Frightened by news of seventeen teenage girls who allegedly made a pact to get pregnant and raise their children together. (Available from various news sources.) People in their town (Gloucester, MA) are quick to blame the media and entertainment industry for this.

Also a bit disheartening that the schools, heavily influenced by the town's religious beliefs, continue to refuse to provide condoms to students. I understand the conflict with their beliefs, but in light of recent events, do parents continue to believe their children are pure of sin? Sex education is probably non-existent, or at least only exists as a push for strict abstinence. Tsk.

Pregnancy is not glamorous. Neither is parenthood. Both involve tons of work and commitment, neither of which these girls know. Doubtful that they will be shamed for their actions. This country purports to be conservative in its religious and moral beliefs, but we seem to turn a blind eye, and oftentimes celebrate, unplanned pregnancies by unprepared young girls. (I hesitate to call them 'young women,' as they severely lack maturity, forethought, and experience.) In no way do I condemn single-motherhood. In fact, kudos to women who can balance baby and career without a man (or woman, in any case); their babies are planned, and the women are well-prepared. (Presumably.)

Don't get me wrong--I enjoyed my pregnancy. Well, I wouldn't have missed the nausea, the sore boobs, the achy pelvis.

But returning to my original point. Apparently the babies will be born soon. (Why didn't this story make headlines months ago?) I'd like to see what happens.

A day out with new friends brings new meaning to my life

I spent the day with Susanna and Dawn, which was a fun little mix of art, books, and strangers on the Metro. We browsed the National Museum of American Art, which I had never been to because it is rather removed from the other museums. We walked from the Mall up 7th Street and found the museum a hop away from the Verizon Center and across from the Spy Museum. We checked out the folk art exhibit, which was fascinating, and several of the pieces were especially intriguing, one even moving. (If you go, check out the cut-out mural of the lynch mob parade by Kara Walker--haunting.) We also checked out the modern American art upstairs. There was one work called "For SAAM," which was a tall cylindrical thing lit up with LEDs. Messages scrolled horizontally, vertically, and diagonally; we tried to stand and read them all but it got a bit tedious, although the piece itself was neat. We stumbled across one call Electronic Superhighway, which was a huge display of the United States done in neon lights and TVs. Within the neon outlines of the states, TVs large and small ran various video montages; careful observation revealed that the montages related to each state somehow (potatoes in Idaho, bright lights and casinos in Nevada, historic locations in Virginia, etc.).

Afterward, we went across to street and had lunch at Zola. The food was awesome. I had a chicken sandwich with potato-egg salad--yum!

On the way back to the Metro--we could have taken it from Gallery Place but that thought didn't seem to occur to any of us at the time--we stopped at a small bookstore that was having a liquidation sale. Susanna and Dawn bought a few; nothing struck my fancy. (We passed the Archives station as well. Dunno.) We made it back to the Mall, where it looked like some sort of folk festival was being set up. [Edit: Indeed, the Smithsonian is hosting its annual Folklife Festival on the Mall. Perhaps Husband and I can go. We haven't had a date in a while.]

I had fun hanging out, doing grown-up things. (I knew I had a point. I just had to get there.) Being with Susanna and Dawn made me realize that the people I used to associate with (but no longer find myself remotely missing) lacked curiosity and culture. They had little desire to experience new places and try unfamiliar things. I could never suggest a museum day trip--they would have scoffed. I know exactly what they would think--museums are boring, stuffy, yawn yawn yawn. I'm glad I've found two people who like the same things I do. (Not to dismiss Husband's interests. In fact, he enjoys doing quiet, grown-up things too.) With my former friends (associates? acquaintances? I'm realizing also that I was not that close to them), our activities were limited to rather silly and often mindless things; our lunches/dinners were flavorless and unadventuresome. Perhaps it was simply out of comfort that I invested so much time with them. Secretly I think it made me feel better about myself because I knew I was more cultured, more curious, more open to new things, almost as if I was doing them a favor by being with them. Let me add some intelligence to this conversation, dear. I feel like I can have meaningful conversations now, even if the topics tend to drift toward sex and all things sex. (Fun!)

I am looking forward to spending a couple more days with them. (Susanna is leaving for a trip to Serbia in July, and Dawn is getting married in July.) What to do with the rest of the summer?

Pregnancy and birth: the best diet in the world

Looking at pictures from just two years ago, I didn't realize just how fat I was. (Okay, I still am, but I had a baby. Yea, yea, I weigh less than before I got pregnant, but I'm still lardy.) I just looked through our engagement pictures and thought, "Geez, I'm glad I never posted those online." I was... round. I can't describe it any other way. I did end up losing some weight in the months leading up to the wedding. Now I bet I could fit into my wedding dress and then some. (What does a girl do with her wedding dress after the wedding anyway? But I digress...)

I only gained a net twenty pounds by the end of the pregnancy, and all of it in the last three months. I have definitely lost a lot of weight since the birth, which is obvious when my pants come off with a tug. I really thought I would have trouble losing the baby weight, but it's gone away on its own. My weight has remained relatively stable since then, despite my constant grazing. (Breastfeeding takes a lot out of you. I feel hungry often.) I'd still like to lose more weight, but it will be tough. For one thing, I have the summer off with nothing to do, which means I'm prone to watching TV or reading--not conducive to weight loss. For another, I don't feel as stressed or tired as I did while I was working, so I won't be burning off what I eat as quickly as I used to. On the other hand, with the nice weather this week, I have no excuse for not taking advantage of it and taking a stroll around the neighborhood with baby in tow. She loves being outside, so it will be good for both of us.

So here's the tentative plan: After her morning feeding, we take a walk around the block. It will still be temperate enough that she and I are comfortable.

a full life

Being home for the summer may seem like a godsend, but there are drawbacks.

1. My choice of friends with whom I can hang out is limited to my coworkers. All two of them. :) I love them dearly, don't get me wrong. They just happen to have the same work schedule, so it works out nicely. Besides, it will be nice to hang out with people who have figured out what they want in life and don't act like they're still in high school.

2. My daily life revolves around my baby. She is adorable, but her needs consume my life. Of course, this is what it means to be a mother. I love that new role. Putting aside my desires is the sacrifice I willingly make. But I sure do miss being able to get up and go.

3. I have a fast-growing mental list of Things That Need to be Done Around the House: replace windows, replace blinds, install curtains, replace washer and dryer, replace shower stall, rearrange baby's room, rearrange living room... Now to figure out WHEN...

4. I get the impression my husband feels (subconsciously?) that my being at home for the summer means I take care of all household chores. Not having to go to work means I have fifty less things to accomplish in a given day, but I'm still left with fifty things to do at home and not enough sanity to go around. Dinner, laundry, cooking, cleaning, groceries, bills, on top of everything for the baby. Yeesh.

5. There is nothing on TV.

***

I know it was a month ago, but Mother's Day was a bummer. Being my first, I had hoped it would be more... fulfilling? Other than getting a new camera (very cool), the day passed like any other. I took care of the baby, I did some laundry, I made dinner. Granted, I didn't do anything for my own mother, which was pretty lame on my part since I didn't do anything for her birthday a few days prior. I want to excuse my husband because it was his first Mother's Day without his mom, but does he get a pass on me? Well, it's done and gone. No point in working myself up about it anymore. I do enjoy the camera, though. Lots of pictures of the baby.

Father's Day is this Sunday. I got him a gift. I need to get something for my dad. I'm hoping he (husband) has thought about, or has already gotten, a gift for his dad.

my busy little life as a mom

i am currently blogging about our beautiful baby girl, anneli.

hello world!

and this is our little sesame seed at 19 weeks. she's a mighty big baby. i have to push her out in a few months. oy.

it's a girl!

she likes to kick.

we haven't considered names yet, but we've been calling her sesame seed. ;) it was preferable to panda. we'll take it more seriously in a few months.

real dolls hitting the big screen?

who hasn't seen the BBC documentary called "love me, love my doll"? it's a strange look into the lives of men who love Real Dolls. (it's fun to explore the website. you can even make your dream woman or man!)

and the, about three minutes ago, i saw this movie trailer featuring a Real Doll.

i know what i'll be doing when that movie is released. :)

remembered

today, my mom and i went to the fairfax county animal shelter to donate what was left of my dog's food and treats. the lady at the desk was so grateful because they were short on dog food and treats. it felt good to help out those poor dogs.

maybe somewhere up there, you're looking down...

it's only just beginning . . .

i thought i would love being pregnant--i've only ever seen happy pregnant women. just this week i've started to feel . . . strange. i don't feel hungry. well, maybe a loss of appetite is a better way to describe it. i can't tell if i'm hungry or nauseous. is this the morning sickness starting to kick in? i eat because i know it's time to eat, but it isn't usually satisfying. sometimes thinking about food turns me off to it.

i've also been extremely tired. getting up in the morning has gotten difficult. just this weekend, i've basically fallen asleep any time i haven't been actively doing something. my body feels heavy, like i'm constantly dragging myself around. i can't even imagine how heavy i'm going to feel in a few months. :X

of course, my mom has already become overprotective grandmother. she called on friday just to tell me to be careful with what i eat and do. i know she's just concerned and watchful, but it's hard to pretend i don't already know these things. like she said, all i need to do is say, "yes, mother," and let it pass. :)

we're having a baby!

we went to the ob/gyn yesterday to confirm. :) it was a strange experience, to say the least.

1. i had to give a urine sample. "everything you need is in the restroom," the nurse said. i expected to see those plastic cups with screw caps for urine, but all i saw were those opaque plastic dixie cups. i contemplated them for several seconds before deciding it was better than nothing. but, of course, i got more pee on my hand than in the cup.

2. the first thing the doc asked was, "do you like your mole?" huh? apparently he was referring to the one above my lip. "i have a fellowship in cosmetic surgery. i can take care of that." my ambivalence led him to ask my mom, who said, "i hate it." then he asked ryan, who admitted to liking it. "well, there's your answer," the doctor said.

3. "do you drink?" no. "do you smoke?" no. "do you smoke marijuana on the weekend but not inhale?" o_O

4. he asked us if we wanted to have some optional procedures done before and after the birth (e.g. amniocentesis), to all of which we said no. he also asked if we wanted to preserve the cord blood, which is an expensive decision. "i don't know why people do it," he added.

5. as he plays with my left nipple--"oh it looks fine, you should be able to breastfeed, no problem."

6. as his head disappears below my knees--"it looks pretty clean."

7. as the cervix comes into view--"oh, you're definitely pregnant. it's purplish."

8. "it's better to have a full bladder [for the sonogram]." thanks for telling me that AFTER i gave a urine sample.

he tried to do a sonogram, but, of course, there was nothing to see as i'm probably only 4 weeks along, which differs slightly from the nurse's opinion (6 weeks) and the doctor's (8 weeks). now, ryan and i know better than they do that i can't possibly be more than 4 weeks. come on, i know when we made the first attempt, and that was after the school year was over. i go back in four weeks for the next check-up, at which time (hopefully) i'll be able to see something on the sonogram. according to my calculations, i am due mid- to late march. yay!

several things of (minor) note

1. my DVDs came today and i danced along with shaun t.! it was hard because i have no rhythm. it also didn't help that my belly was jiggling.

2. i finished painting the dining room today! after letting the walls dry for several hours, i attempted to screw in the outlet covers, but i noticed that they didn't quite cover the rectangle i had taped. that just goes to show what a shitty job the previous owner did with painting, and adding strange a light switch just inches off the floor. (it doesn't do anything.) tonight we'll go to home depot and pick up some better outlet covers.

3. i received one of those annoying "hang up" calls--you know, when you answer and the person immediately hangs up. just out of curiosity, i googled the number to see where it came from, only to find a website where hundreds of people logged complaints about this same number! i added my own complaint (a mild one, considering i had only received one call from them). apparently, it is some company that conducts surveys about the radio (?). it's a cincinnati, ohio, number. most of the time, the company seems to hang up when you answer. the company also calls repeatedly whether or not you completed the survey. the company gives you the option of removing yourself from their phone list if you call them back, but it doesn't seem to actually remove you. the company also claims they are exempt from the FCC's "do no call" regulation because they are not selling or soliciting anything. i'll see what happens. will they call again?

4. i am excited for tomorrow. :)

do you smell paint?

well, since i've been painting the dining room, i smell paint all day long--no matter where i am. i should probably wear a mask to protect myself from the fumes. i keep my face far enough away that i'm not nosed against the wall. the color looks good in the light. it's "regal red". i worked on finishing the third wall, and started on a second coat on the walls i finished earlier this week. hopefully we can finish up the dining room tomorrow and move the table and chairs back.

i'm also BURSTING at the seams with excitement. :D i want to tell the world about it, but not just yet. i am seeing the doctor on tuesday, so we'll know for sure then. (hint, hint.) only a select few know the news, including my mother, who has suddenly started to care about my well-being. i pointed that out to her, to which she responded, "i always care about my daughter, but more now." thanks, mom. :|

i start a week-long summer "assignment" for the county, updating the high school english blackboard site. i'm not sure what this job entails, and i won't find out until tuesday. we have orientation that morning. my doctor's appointment is that afternoon, so i'll be cutting out a little early, or so i assume, since i don't know how long the hours are. it shouldn't be stressful, and i'll be able to contribute to something productive and useful to the entire county. :)

and i'm still waiting on my DVDs to arrive. hurry up already, i want to start dancing.

having the summer off isn't as great as you think

i thought i'd enjoy two-and-a-half months of nothing. how wrong was i? as my husband suggested, "you need to find a hobby." it's a fantastic idea except for my lack of interest in just about everything. :P i've thought about taking up a hobby since my first day of vacation, but nothing comes to mind--a bit pathetic, really.

i've considered taking a class at NOVA or through the county's rec centers this summer, but what to take? photography sounds fun, although i can already imagine the constant yabbering i'd get from my mother; she took photography for a few years, so, of course, she's an expert. it looks interesting. i had students take photography at school this past year, and they really enjoyed it. they took some beautiful photographs, many of them unintentionally intriguing. i think it's worth checking out.

one thing i am definitely going to do (again) is work out and lose weight. my original plan had been to register at sport & health because i get a nice discount for working for the county. then i realized we have free access to a gym at the HR building. but going there involves driving over to falls church. i figured out a temporary (or maybe permanent) solution by watching tv. i saw the infomercial for "hiphop abs" again and couldn't resist; i ordered the DVDs, which should be here next week. i can dance like an idiot in the privacy of my own home and lose weight all at the same time! i will also take up running again, as soon as i can. it would be nice if i had a running partner, but my husband wants nothing to do with my running. he absolutely refuses. he's no fun.

i do have books i want to read this summer. i should get on that.

i miss having a job

at least i knew what i'd be doing for most of the day. on the agenda today is shopping. i haven't been shopping for myself in a long time. . . several weeks? i want to check out steve & barry's. i definitely need to get a black dress too. i need to be prepared.

i think tomorrow i'll register at the gym across the street. i might as well--i'd like to lose more weight, after i lose the pounds i gained since the wedding. plus, it would give me something to do for two hours each day. (wow, that's ambitious.) perhaps if i set lower expectations, like an hour three times a day, then i'd feel better about myself for going more often.

we're driving up to new york this weekend to see ryan's parents. i believe our current plan is to stay a week; whether or not we stay longer will depend on how karen feels. i'd like to be able to help around the house so ed doesn't feel so burdened. erika will be there too, but she's leaving the next weekend for a girls' week at a lake nearby. she invited me, but that will depend entirely on how the week goes.

anyway, off to go shopping!

ben who?

affleck.

that's right--he was the guest speaker at graduation today. there had been rumors for several months. "ben affleck is coming." "ben affleck is really coming." "is ben affleck even going to show?" "i like matt damon better."

several women in the department have been cooing and oohing about ben affleck, their biggest question being, "will he eat lunch with us?" well, it turns out, yes.

i had finished eating lunch and was chatting with some colleagues when i noticed a man in a suit walk into the reception room. i thought, "he's overdressed for this," and went back to discussing teachers who worked apparently worked in our school but we had never seen until today. suddenly people start shuffling toward the man, cameras come out. then i realized who he was. ben affleck.

you know, he isn't as tall as he looks on tv. i'd peg him at possibly six feet tall? i always imagined he was taller, but perhaps he's only relatively tall when he stands next to matt damon. he also wasn't as attractive as i expected. in fact, he looked pretty average. granted, he's more attractive than the average man in virginia, but still average.

the seniors were able to book ben affleck because he has a relationship (friendship) with one of our physically disabled students, joe. ben met joe years ago while filming "Forces of Nature" at Dulles Airport, and they've been friends since (with some help from the Make-a-Wish Foundation).

his speech wasn't awe-inspiring, but it was better than i expected. (obviously, i had very low expectations of his man.) he actually has a sense of humor, even inserting self-deprecating remarks about "Gigli" ("Joe liked the script for 'Daredevil' better than 'Gigli,' but he would never admit to it.") and "Forces of Nature." ben muttered occasionally, but overall, his speech was good. he joked about people who used famous people's quotes, then added that he apparently liked hypocrisy since he would be quoting someone famous too.

susanna was absolutely star-struck. she tried her best to contain her excitement and stay composed. :)

i still don't think he's a good actor, but he does good things for good kids. i'll give him a few points for that.

and thank you, ben, for making what was already a great day into the most memorable days of these students' lives.

growing pains

(A few days after she came home.)

On Wednesday, May 2, at 4:00pm, our beloved May passed. She would have been eleven this month. We had to put her down to end days of pain she had endured due to chronic bronchitis and cancer.

We were all pretty stressed out this week. She got sick suddenly, so we weren't prepared. If she had been old and in pain, we could have prepared and expected her death. It took me three days to come to terms with her situation and be okay with letting her go. How do you let go of a dog you've raised for eleven years? I didn't realize how much a part of my life she was until I received that phone call saying she was dying.


(Probably 2 or 3 years old.)

Today, I feel fine, but I'm still depressed. Just thinking about that empty doghouse and food bowl makes my chest tighten.

In her last days, she had such a hard time breathing that she didn't have enough energy to do much else. As hard as it was to watch that first needle, I know she is living peacefully somewhere else. No leashes. No collars. Plenty of squirrels to chase.

I love you, May.


(On Monday, at the vet's office.)

tragedy begets ignorance

Let me begin by saying I am horrified by this week's events. I grieve along with the nation.

I have tried to ignore many of the recent casual remarks about Cho Seung-Hui and South Koreans in general, but the baseless and ignorant comments are irritating.

Today, a professor at Virginia Tech, hypothesized that one of Cho's images from his "manifesto" might have been inspired by the movie "Oldboy." I resent this pathetic attempt at explaining Cho's actions. First of all, "Oldboy" is a critically acclaimed movie by a respected Korean director. Second, what the fuck was his reasoning behind this declaration? Apparently, anyone who holds a hammer above their heads is demonstrating a desire to dispatch a dozen men, and there's just no other explanation for it. Already, more enlightened and rational people have denounced this professor's theory as ridiculous. Seriously, what the hell? It's probable he found inspiration in movies, and even in the events at Columbine, but don't make stupid connections.

I bet this professor made that stupid connection because it was the only Korean movie he could think of. His rationale? "He's Korean, so he must have gotten his idea from a Korean movie. He must have seen it; he's Korean."

Ugh. You people disgust me.

korea is . . .

"spa-kur-ing," according to this new tv commercial. anyone else seen it? >.<

seriously, who was the brain behind this one? that the guy says "sparkling" in the thickest korean accent only makes the commercial worse. apparently, all korean people do is dance at clubs with bad lighting, wear clothes from the 1600s, and wear red at soccer games.

there is only one word to describe that.

spakuring.

another year

well, it was my birthday a few days ago . . . i was at the in-laws for a few days. we had cake and i got a singing card. it would have been nice if i could have been here for my birthday; i know my parents would have liked it.

and of course, the good friends remembered. man, i need new friends . . .

i had to think about how old i would be, making me realize i'm getting old. seriously. 26? how often do you have to think about how old you are at 26? now i'm officially in my late 20s. i can look forward to 30. (haha.)

our wedding album is finally "in the works." the photog sent me a preview of the first 5 pages, and they look good. hopefully he can get them done before the end of the month. it would be a nice birthday present to give my mom.

this isn't much of a spring break . . . i feel busy.