i miss the way we used to flirt

remember the silly grins, giggles, and innuendo?

i feel guilty when i do it with other guys...

well-designed fitness plans

...probably don't involve missing meals. i forgot to eat dinner last night - it's easy when you have someone sitting on top of you and holding you down.

;)

happiness was never meant to be an easy objective

some people were destined to make the path difficult, break you down as much as you can stand, build walls and trapdoors at every turn...

but now, i can see happiness just down the road, off in the distance but nonetheless visible... within reach.

i trudge, trudge, trudge.

<3

inappropriate conversations at work

me: hey, did you get a haircut?
mike: yea. *nudge* everywhere. *wink*

commercials are great

like the coke commercial where a man and woman depart after what's obviously a first date. he drinks a coke as he walks away, but then he suddenly turns back and runs to kiss her. *sigh*

why was it so easy for you to say no?

your explanation was weak...

and it hurt.

i had picked up the phone and dialed your number, believing there was no other possible answer than yes. "yes!" "of course!" "absolutely!"

but you said, "i'd be honored, but we haven't talked in two years." a big fat no.

i had to hold back the tears because i had been let down. no, pushed down. kicked. i wanted to ask you why because, to me, two years of silence from you could be overlooked when weighed against the other fifteen friendly ones we had. the birthdays. the stolen spoons. the bowling ball theft. the late-night study groups. the stupid drama of camp. the calculus.

was it good for you?

i called on your birthday. i drove to see you once a month.

you sent me a birthday card once, but it was so forced i didn't keep it. you came to see me once because i called to tell you how much i hated being the one to keep the friendship alive. you stayed for an hour. even so, i still thought of you as a friend. i visited you in the summer when you were 45 minutes away. i helped you babysit because i thought it would be fun. i had fun, didn't you?

i've called and left messages before, but i never heard from you. should i have taken that as a hint?

perhaps this relationship was doomed from the start. i always felt i had to do more, be more, so i wouldn't feel lonely ever again. perhaps i thought we were more than we really were.

have we spiraled into nothing but acquaintances?

is this goodbye?

would it be vindictive of me not to invite you to my wedding now?

don't you love my updates?

i know you do!

• i need to be better about getting to the gym... and staying there. :D
• i finalize the contract for our wedding location on friday.
• my mom's cousin's kids are coming to visit for a couple weeks. i have never met them before. they are from guatemala (a lot of korean people there). do i speak to them in spanish? korean? some strange, incomprehensible mix of the two?
• tom is flying up tomorrow to get the rest of his stuff.
• i leave for atlanta on sunday at 7 am. yay, we all look forward to waking up at the buttcrack of morning to catch a flight to one of the hottest cities in the country for a week of conferences with other teachers. fun.
• my awesome bridesmaids are planning a bachelorette party involving a naked stripper, alcohol, and ME. what a combo! (paulo, if you read this, pretend you didn't see it. seriously.)
• i can't wait to be married! ^_^

and finally, a 12-inch penis can be funny.

so are abandoned dildos.

happy 4th!

i sold my soul for $20/hour

[sigh] today was the first day of "eight weeks of dealing with immature 12-14 y.o. boys who have retarded haircuts." i don't know how i'm going to survive this year; at least last year, i had mostly girls. i can deal with estrogen, but a roomful of testosterone is unbearable. this is a break-down of the group:

• peter - "what time is it? ms. kim, do you know what time it is? this is boring."
  
• stephen - "i don't know any of this stuff. i'm only going to 7th grade."
• jason - "this is boring."
• jeff - "this is boring."
• earl - ...i know he will be that piece of coal jammed up my ass, except it will not be a diamond at the end of the summer.
• cody - "...and then she went to the airport and the lady asked for the tickets but she didn't have them and so she went home and the old lady said..." &c.
• josh - :) one of my favorites from last summer.

all boys... it makes me want to cry. i need to put my foot down and crack the whip tomorrow. apparently, they call me the devil because i gave them homework today. haha, they have no idea...

so anyway, i don't feel as excited about working as i did last year. mike and janet are the only ones back, and honestly, without the energy of jacob, raymond, sandy, and daniel, it's a bit quiet. oh, and ben! haha. as weird and creepy as he was, he was fodder for our jokes.

in other news, wedding planning is... bumpy. we still don't have a location decided, although we really liked belmont. my parents have been unhelpful and unsupportive through this process. they want things done according to their divine plan, which clashes in every aspect with mine. it's a miracle i got the dress that i wanted, although that took a lot of angry snipes from me and hours of pouting in my room. i can't take care of any other arrangements until we have a location set because all these people need to know when and where before they can guarantee anything. the only problem with belmont is that it is located about an hour from here. i'm going to talk to the catering director at mount vernon tomorrow and see if there's anything available around the time we want. it's a compromise if we have it there, but at least it's nice and old-timey. :P we'd get some great photos outside of the inn. next up: photographer, flowers, get working on table pieces. (do i have any of those former creative juices left?)

going go the gym's going well. (alliteration!) i only missed saturday. i did 1.5 miles today nonstop, that's getting back to where i was last year. off to a good start. i should look great in the dress by october. :)

despite all the flooding and damage caused by the last 4 days of torrential downpours, i rather like the rain...

time to get fit!... again!

went to the gym today. it's been... two years? yea. :P BUT... my mile time is still the same. that was surprising, no doubt. :) anyway, i was drenched in sweat after 30 minutes of running, so i came home. plus, my shoes weren't very comfortable. i'll have to remember my other shoes for tomorrow.

tomorrow i'm running the teachers' meeting at the academy, which could be interesting. we'll see. i've also got a STAR meeting from 8-3 (yaaay...).

busy busy...

oh yea. i also fixed the problems i was having with firefox and cnn's website. i'm awesome. ^_^

all it took was a dress

...for it to seem so real.

:) i got a dress that i'm happy with and absolutely DDDYYYIIINNNGGG to wear. i can't wait to see ryan's face. maybe it'll be beautiful enough he won't want to get it off me. ;)

who am i kidding? he has his own agenda.

we met one of the photographers we were considering. the only thing i don't like about his package is it doesn't offer the parent albums. i wonder how much it would cost to get those myself... tomorrow i'm meeting with another photographer, who had a great all-inclusive package (albums and all). i'm leaning more towards her. but... the guy we met today had a pink shirt on, so... :P it's hard to say which impressed me more--his portfolio or his shirt.

one more location tour tomorrow, and we'll have to decide by saturday. that way we can ensure we have somewhere to do this! :)

[insert picture of me in the wedding dress that ryan can't see] ;)

is it any wonder i'm shy?

...

oh, how i've missed you!

Coming to FOX this fall! Mondays @ 9pm to be precise. ^_^

Until then, I will anxiously anticipate the arrival of my QAF Season 5 DVDs, which I will watch over and over again, and then watch a few more times.

I haven't forgotten about my other Hollywood love... He has two movies this summer--"The Lake House" and "A Scanner Darkly," both of which I plan on seeing. :D

(Does this count as an emotional affair?)

on your mark, get set...

plan! :D

well, we closed and did all the fancy paperwork for the condo. we've had a major change in plans, and i've moved back home for the time being. ryan's at the condo, enjoying his last few months as a single man. ;) i've got some of my stuff over there, but i won't be living with him until we get married. (long story.)

mark your calendars for oct. 7! ^_^ (at least, for now.)

should i feel this tired all the time?

i thought i had a lot of copying to do...but then i remembered that i didn't. i swore for a few seconds while i stood in the copy room by myself, before i realized it was probably echoing down the hallway. chances are i was the only one in the building at that god-awful hour, but i didn't want to risk it. you never know who is going to saunter by.

my back hurts. we did a lot of walking and sitting this weekend. saturday, we walked from here to best buy (about 2 miles). it was interesting to see how this city really is not designed around pedestrians. we encountered some rather perilous dirt paths. it was funny to see ryan tentatively clinging the back of the guard rail as we made our way. :) we made it to best buy in one piece. we took a different route back, it was much easier and less dangerous.

on sunday, we went to sterling to look at some furniture. sit, stand, sit, stand, sit, stand, comment about the many ways one can have sex on all those sofas, sit, stand.

fingers crossed, we close next week.

do we really need another reason to laugh at goth kids?

Goth Youths Prone to Suicide Attempts and Self-Mutilation

i hate kids who copy everyone else so they can be different. :P

we're buying a condo!

:) our bid was accepted by the seller, so now we're getting all the paperwork and pre-closing stuff done. today, we had the inspection (ken came with me) and everything looked good.

how exciting! our own place. :)

<3

do you know what time of year it is?

happy birthday to me! :)

thanks sugar. ;)

sometimes life comes at you fast

(is that the visa tag line?)

exhausted. excited. expectant. all in a weekend.

exhausted...
we spent most of the day going to some open houses and checking out condos. we saw some really nice ones, some overpriced ones, and some that were stuck in another decade. we didn't see anything that wowed us, but one came pretty close. there's so much out there, and to think we only saw a handful of them. sheesh.

excited...
getting a condo will mean i get to live with ryan. :) no more long weeks of waiting or driving in traffic for an hour to see him. our first major step together... does this mean he's growing up? :P (well, i think i'm a little more grown up than he is. boys like to take their time.)

expectant...
not in the baby department. however, i do feel like i've given birth to a new ryan. i have to do a lot of literal and figurative pushing. ;) he's grown a lot in the time we've been together... we both have. i can't wait to see how great of a husband (and, eventually, father) he will be. i only hope and expect the best.

i've now moved past the days of doodling ryan's name in the corners of my papers to saying my future name out loud and debating whether to use it at school. i'll see a lot of my present students around in the hallways next year, and i'll always be "ms. kim" to them. would they find "mrs. connell" weird? even to me it's weird. :P i could continue with my maiden name at work. people would have an easier time remembering. well that's something to be decided later.

i've made love to the toilet

*barf* i've been sick... so sick. i've lost count the number of times i've had to stick my face in the toilet.

no i am not pregnant. as wondeful as that would be, i don't think anyone besides me would want that. :P

my dad was sick like this last weekend, and so were my cousins. whatever awful ailment they had, i now have. hopefully it won't last much longer. i had to call in sick today because there was no way i'd make it through an entire day like this.

we've also been in the process of looking for a condo. we've just been browsing, but ryan's working on finding a realtor to help us. it's exciting that we're taking our first major step together. :)

i can't keep my eyes off of you

being in love is a fantastic feeling.

like eating jelly beans all day.

but better.