Friday, March 13, 2009

So I feel the need to reflect on choices I've made, people I've known, and how I've grown...

Last June, I had a chance to do some reflection while out with friends. Real friends. People who like you for who you are, love you for who you're not, and show you how to have fun. A recent conversation with another real friend allowed me to have some closure about some past hurts and realize I'm better for them.

Back in high school, then-friend--CS--mentioned to our group of friends once that she wanted to be the first of us to get married, have kids, etc. At the time, I thought nothing of it--who didn't want to be the first among friends to boast a husband, a child, a house?

I never gave it another thought until I found myself planning my wedding. The original date I chose happened to be CS's birthday. Not wanting to force her to choose her birthday or my wedding, I moved it forward one week. I also asked her to be in the wedding, thinking she would gladly agree, when I suddenly remembered that little thing she had said in high school. When she said no in a suspiciously circuitous fashion, I finally understood the meaning of our friendship. I had just been another member of the pack.

The wedding planning made me forget this realization. I sent her an invitation anyway. Being single, I believed she would arrive alone (with some other invited friends). Instead, she brought her college roommate, for whom I had expressed some disdain (poor life choices being the main reason). It was my day, so I left it pass. CS caught the bouquet that night. (If I had known how she really felt about me, I would have snatched it from her hands.)

Months passed, our anniversary approached. In that time, I had left her several messages for various occasions--Christmas, New Year's, Independence Day, her birthday--but there were no acknowledgements of receipt. Upon purchase of a new cell phone, I consciously skipped over her phone number as I entered the other ones into the new phone. I knew it was over.

Two weeks ago, my friend CT met with CS and several others to plan our reunion. CT informed me that CS was engaged (CT: "You didn't know?"). She also informed me that CS was bitter about my getting married before she did. Not only was I taken aback, but I felt angry. She had only pretended to be happy for me. Was I supposed to be happy for her? CT then said that CS was making damn sure that she was married by the time we had the reunion.

Petty much? I couldn't believe that she had really wanted to marry first. What a fucking childish wish. I'm happy to say I do not consider her a friend. It's amazing that some people refuse to grow up and become adults. I don't have time for people like that. I have a child; I don't need to be friends with one.

On a lighter note, I did immediately try to think of ways I could rub a ton of salt into her wounds. One idea was to show up pregnant and announce our second child. And hey, we've been married for three years! Have you seen my adorable baby? Can you believe how much weight I've lost? Remember how you got rejected from UVA? Ha!

But I'm not petty like that. :) I love my life. I love my new friends. And I love my true old friends. That's enough to make me better than her.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

High school ten-year reunion is approaching, according to news posted on Facebook this weekend. I'm ambivalent about this event. Do I really want to revisit four years of my life that I didn't really care for the first time around? I have few friends from high school (and by few, I mean one with whom I am still in touch on a regular basis). I certainly don't feel obligated to attend, but it might be fun just to see how everyone fared after graduation. (Based on my keen observation, and with some help from Facebook, I know many have not accomplished much.)

Or, the occasion may serve as a time for reconciliations. I can think of a few people I've burned or been burned by, but holding out for such atonements may be futile.

Ultimately, my decision will hinge on my own availability (likely), location (definitely), and cost (absolutely). Leave it to our officers to let this event hang over their heads until the last possible minute.