ego muffin anyone?

the world today

Michelle Branch is pregnant with her first child, People magazine reported.

The 21-year-old singer-songwriter is expecting a baby in early August with her husband, Teddy Landau, the magazine said. The couple were married last May. Landau, 40, is Branch's bass player.

Okay, so let's look at all the things that are very wrong with that statement.

• Michelle Branch is pregnant. Can someone please explain why morons are having babies? ("Been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding..." Ugh, please don't let Britney take this as her cue to get knocked up.)
  
• She is considered a songwriter. Last time I checked, her lyrics were crap.
  
• She is married to her bass player. Hmm, odds on them staying together long?
• He is 40. Am I the only one that finds that disgusting? He could be her father.
• His name is Teddy.

And, is it wrong that seeing Charlize was the best part of the Oscars? (Oh, besides seeing Keanu twice in the opening montage.) Charlize and Keanu need to do some more movies together. ;)

spring break

ryan and i finally booked a trip to san francisco. i'm excited. :) we're going for five days (3/12-3/17). i've never been west of the mississippi before. (it used to be "i've never been west of the appalachians," but that changed when we went to chicago, haha.) a virgin experience - it's always strange to me to see places in person i've only seen on tv. it's even stranger to see those places on tv after i've been there. i get so used to believing that these places only exist on tv that it's hard to believe otherwise.

i remember when i got back from toronto in 96. i saw niagara falls on tv, and i thought, "whoa, i was just there." even now, when i see the CN tower, it's hard to believe i was running around up there and got in trouble for jumping on the window in the floor. :P (incredible considering my fear of heights.) the same thing happened when i got home from chicago. chicago is always on tv somewhere or another. i saw places i had been or passed through, and all i could think was, "hey, i was just there!" now i've seen san francisco on tv plenty of times, so it'll feel like i've walked into the tv. when i get back, all i'll be able to think is, "that place is real."

i'm unbelievably dorky.

QOTD

"don't touch me. your hands feel like salad tongs."

haha, i think i laughed a bit too hard.

on the way down

Sick and tired of this world
There's no more air
Trippin' over myself
Goin' nowhere
Waiting
Suffocating
No direction
And I took a dive

And on the way down
I saw you
And you saved me
From myself
And I won't forget
The way you loved me
On the way down
Almost fell right through
But I held onto you

I've been wondering why
It's only me
Have you always been inside
Waiting to breathe
It's alright
Sunlight
On my face
I wake up and yeah, I'm alive

'cause on the way down
I saw you
And you saved me
From myself
And I won't forget
The way you loved me
On the way down
Almost fell right through
But I held onto you

I was so afraid
Of going under
But now
The weight of the world
Feels like nothing, no, nothing

Down, down, down
You're all I wanted
Down, down, down
You're all I needed
Down, down, down
You're all I wanted
You're all I needed

And I won't forget the way you loved me

All that I wanted
All that I needed

On the way down
I saw you
And you saved me
From myself
And I won't forget
The way you loved me
On the way down
I almost fell right through
But I held onto you

Down, down, down
But I held onto you
Down, down, down
But I held onto you

friends

i just got a letter from chi. she's embarked on her road trip to texas with her roommate cory. i know she'll have fun, but i'm going to miss her. i need to stay in touch with her, i'm such a bad friend. a road trip sounds nice, actually.

well, all my best to her, and good luck in san angelo.

a white world

i woke up and found the world a little different... it's so beautiful right now. it almost makes me forget why i cried. i wish i had a better camera (and knew how to use it) so i could take a picture of the snow falling.

well, schools are closed, which means i don't have work today. fuck. i've worked four days in the last two weeks.

still deciding on spring break. don't know what to do... or if i even want to.

contemplating

...what to do for spring break. i have an incredibly long one this year, seeing i only have class on wednesday nights. the university calendar says it is march 13-20 (sunday to sunday), but technically mine is march 10-23. can you believe?? :D a whole lot of time to fill. i'm wondering what to do with all that time. i googled some cities last night in search of places to visit, things to do. i checked new york city, san franciscso, and las vegas. right now, new york sounds like a good bet. just find myself a nice place to stay in manhattan, plop myself outside, and just walk. well, ideally, that's what i should do. in any one of those cities, i need to be, as ryan said, spontaneous. i am not spontaneous. i think my head would explode from mass confusion. i thought about europe, but it's too late to book anything, and it'd cost a pretty penny. i don't want to spend a lot of money. it just might be new york city, then. dunno.

love actually

it's that feeling you get, like a sudden gust of warm wind on your face, when he opens a door into a room you knew was there but had never seen. there are no secrets - just hidden treasures. each room has a different treasure to discover, all waiting to be found.

it's like wanting to reach out and lightly brush his arm with your fingers, knowing he'll smile... and eventually wriggle away as he bursts into giggles.

it's when you close your eyes and all you can hear is his breathing on the pillow next to you, you feel his heart beating against your shoulder blade, you still taste him on your lips, you smell the lingering fragrance of his shave gel.

it's the way he leans in suddenly and sniffs your hair, or brushes a stray strand from your forehead, or peers through a cascade of it just looking for your eyes.

it's what you sense when you're just sitting next to him, and he's quietly absorbed in the tv program. you move your eyes to his, and they're far away, but he's still right there.

it's how much he cares what you think, what you believe, what you hate, what you dream, what you want, what you see, what you feel, what you love, what you need - what you are.

it's him.

a weekend of lesbians, demons, bush, and blow

yes, that's right. ryan and i went through... eight episodes? i bought "the L word" because i needed to see how similar it was to QAF. indeed, similarities are hard to miss, but the focus of the show is different. less of the animalistic passion, more of the emotional subtleties that make us human. there isn't as much sex as i thought - well, relative to QAF, which has brian getting a blow job in the first five minutes of the show. i can't say i like it better - i like it for different reasons. granted, it can be slow at times, but it's a good show. i think ryan rather enjoyed the sex scenes, although i didn't reach over to check. ;)

we saw constantine on saturday. i'm mixed about it. of course, i loved seeing keanu on film again, but i'm undecided about the movie itself. i don't really know the story, that definitely adds to my confusion. i wish i knew more about the religious side of the issue - shows how much i paid attention in CCD, huh? (that's a whole other issue.)

on a side note, as i've gotten older, the story of heaven and hell have piqued my interest. i guess it started when i read paradise lost (in its entirety). i have no interest in redefining my religion (or finding one, for that matter). i just like stories.

so anyway, i would appreciate the story behind constantine if i better understood the biblical allusions. and i know critics refuse to give keanu a break, but i think his acting was okay. he didn't have any fantastically stupid lines to say, although there were some humorous ones.
"can i leave my clothes on?" [pause] "well?"
"i'm thinking."
:D

we also watched fahrenheit 9/11. disturbing. chilling. thought-provoking. i realize michael moore can't be taken as the authority on the situation, and that he has shown only information that furthers his objectives, but it's still worth thinking about. the same people that denigrate this film because they believe it's a blasphemous portrayal of bush probably ate up the starr report a couple years back. they also love britney spears, country music, and grits. but hey, who am i to judge?

i've also started reading the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy because the movie is coming out soon. ryan wants to see it, so i want to go in prepared. he's been good about indulging my intense obsessions (e.g. constantine and something's gotta give), so this is the least i can do. :) besides, what i've read thus far (which is not much) is pretty funny. even if i miss a lot of what's going on in the movie, ryan can explain it afterwards. you know, talk nerdy. 0:)

yipes, i just remembered i have work early tomorrow, and i'm completely unprepared. haha, oh well. off to bed then.

.o0(see you in my dreams, my love...)

LOL is this the funniest picture of britney spears or what?? she has the weirdest expression on her face, and her boobs look horrible. you cannot tell me those are implants. why does her left boob look so much bigger? what a god awful dress.

something to do

i've taken up a long-term project, purpose unknown. (i think i've said that five times today.) i needed something on which i could focus my attention and feel a sense of purpose. yet what that purpose is exactly...

well, tonight in class, prof. c. said my research proposal (examining student attitudes about and perceptions of silent reading) and tenative methodology (case study and survey) were straight forward. i feel much better about it now. my original question was too complicated and involved too many (confounding) variables to yield any useful information. additionally, since i am not currently in a classroom (man, i need to find a real job), k. offered to let me observe her students. i think she was being sincere, but she added that she would like to read my paper when i finish so she can figure out what her students are doing.

(i think the grammar is completely wrong in that sentence, but i'm half-awake. i've been semi-conscious all day. not exactly something you want to know if you were driving alongside me any time during the day today.)

a. and i were utterly bored and annoyed in class tonight. are we the only ones that seem to GET it? we are grad students, we should not need every detail of every assignment described to us. we spend a lot of time giggling, rolling our eyes, checking email, doodling. i know i must space out for at least 75% of the class. that means i actually pay attention for roughly 40 minutes all together. the other 120 minutes i could be... well, i can't really think of anything better.

i've noticed that the water level in my snowglobe seems to have dropped. the bubble at the top looks wider than it did two months ago. has it been two months already? ha, well, i've certainly gotten over the anxiety of ryan seeing me in a dress. quite trivial now, wouldn't you say? but anyway, getting back to the snowglobe (am i rambling?), maybe i will watch it over the next few weeks and add water.

oh, mary and holli came by PEI on tuesday. that's all i have to say about that.

kathy and i were looking at some catalogues for material we can use this summer. i don't have high expectations for the summer program this year since we are starting at a new place. i've been around for a couple years now (this will be my third summer), kathy has given me sway. it's a nice feeling, being able to help in the decision-making process. on my suggestion, kathy has already decided against weekly field trips, and the ones we do take will be fun. i do hope that i get older kids this year. i love the young ones, but i do not have the patience for their constant antics and misbehavior. i say that like it's any better with older kids, but i'm better prepared to handle them. fingers crossed.

well, i know i should be in bed, but i think i'll catch a little tv before i do. i feel so out of touch with the world.

weekend update

well, it was incredible. :)

i got to ryan's apartment around 2, busied myself with getting ready. around 4, i plopped down on the futon and watched some tv. (i discovered that ryan got HBO, which was news to him too. we happily watched a lot of HBO.) at 5:30, i started to get really anxious and started pacing. (then i ran my hands over the trails i left so it wouldn't be obvious later, haha.) the phone rang, startling me. after wondering whether to answer it while it rang three times, i finally did and it was erika. she was pretty surprised to hear me answer the phone. she solicited suggestions for valentine's. i had none. i offered a vague "we're just staying in" when she asked about our plans. ;)

the night panned out very smoothly. ryan came home around 6:40 - he had stopped to pick up flowers, the cutest tiny pink roses! (it's too bad i couldn't bring them home, but my parents would have been suspicious.) we did run into our usual "what do you want?/well, what do you want?" discussion, but that was settled quickly, as we had other things on our minds. :P quick dinner, quick dessert (ice cream and cherries!!)... our adventures that night are not for me to tell. 0:) it was quite innocent (relatively).

saturday, we stayed in bed until noon or so. i was actually really dizzy and needed to get up. i spent the rest of the day slipping in and out of dizzy spells, which really killed any desire to do anything but watch tv. i took some tylenol, which made me feel a little better, but the dizziness persisted. anyway, we ended up perusing trader joe's (where we each had a chocolate covered strawberry - yum!) and costco (where we bought cheese and crackers!). we had korean food for dinner (where i got stuff on my shirt as expected). then we had more adventures. ;)

i woke up relatively clear-headed on sunday, but it took some persuading to get ryan awake. ;) we ended up laying in bed until way past noon. we killed a few hours with tv and canoodling, then had dinner at the same italian place we went for our one-year anniversary. i love it, it's such a cute place. :) they even lit the candles at the tables. i had some really good garlic and butter shrimp. when we got back to the apartment, ryan gave me some beautiful pink sapphire earrings. :D

i came home, the parents suspected nothing.

and then my dizziness came back and i felt like shit. and i missed ryan. *sigh*

i still miss him. this is going to be a looooong week. two nights of having my nose in his armpits is hard to leave behind. oh... it's not as gross as it may seem. i love the smell of his deodorant. :)

i miss you, i love you, i think about you night and day! <3 sweet dreams, my love...

The key to buying gifts for women for any occasion. :P

this will be the view from my side of the bed... <3

the weekend creeps closer...

so class was... boring. i have to say, i seriously do not like this class. i feel like i'm in high school again. (but haven't i always?)

i inhaled a salad during our 10-minute break. (we really need more break time for a 3-hour class!) i think more salad dressing ended up on my hand and my nose than went in my mouth. (don't ask.) i think the girl sitting at the computer across from me giggled. well, that's fine with me because she didn't enjoy a tasty salad at inhuman speeds.

after class, i drove up to see ryan. while i was driving, i got to thinking again about how much i hate the distance. the drive is really unbearably long. anyway, that grievance was forgotten as soon as he opened his door and kissed me. teehee. (and then i remembered that i was supposed to be taking a pill right then.) he had been watching something about the history of race-based laws. a woman said, "i have no oriental friends." i repeated it.

then there was some more kissing. fast forward to 10pm. we caught svu. i had difficulty taking dennis farina seriously. i kept seeing him knocking back a shot of liquor on an airplane and yelling about diamonds. (see "snatch.") it was an okay episode. something about lesbians. i don't really remember. i was too intoxicated by the smell of ryan. mmm. i still smell like him. i could lick myself.

i grabbed a pill as soon as i got home. i went to the kitchen to get some water, but i dropped the pill. oops. dad was doing the dishes (what timing), and he stopped as soon as he saw me drop to my hands and knees.
"what are you doing?"
"i'm looking for something."
[silence]
"it can't disappear, i'll find it."
[silence]
*i stuck my hand under the cabinet and found it.* "ah, here it is."
"what is that?"
"uhm..." [awkward silence]
*dad went back to washing the dishes.*

lights out!
see you in my dreams...

*sigh* Keanu in "Constantine." he is the only other man to make my heart flutter. it's crazy how much i love him. ;) i can't wait to see this next week!

BUT... as much as i love keanu, we know who i love most. 0:)

(i love you ryan... can't wait to see you this weekend!)

LOL ryan just sent me this picture, i thought it was funny:

it's a plate from a miata. haha. now, everyone knows if you have to advertise your heterosexuality, then you're not heterosexual. ;) you just wish you were.

ryaaaaaaaaan

i'm at work and you're all i can think about. :) *sigh* five more days and i'm yours for the taking. hehe.

it's amazing how you still make my heart flutter. <3

superwhat?

there was a time that i actually cared enough to watch the stupid game. ;)

an eventful sunday. i actually had breakfast this morning. :P then i went to cvs to drop off my prescription and to pick up ryan. i drove us to the dealer so he could get his car today. a short wait turned into more than two hours. it didn't bother me as much as it might have on some cold day, but it was so nice today! just standing outside in the sun, walking around the lot, listening to ryan go into geek overdrive. ;) it was excellent. after ryan was finally able to get his car, we came back to my house. we couldn't decide where to eat (this has always been a problem for us, haha), but we settled on mexican, so we went to don pablo's. it was yummy. :D and much quieter than the last time i was there. then we came back and watched "harold and kumar" again. he just left a little while ago, he was so tired. :) mmm, all i can think about right now is snuggling with him, with my face in the crook of his arm. i only have to wait a few more days before i can fall asleep in his arms.

wheee, i am so high right now -- high on love LOL. ;) *muah*

and you know, ryan's less-gay-miata is starting to grow on me. i feel like i've stuffed myself into a box whenever i'm in there, but i'll get used to it. ah, he's so cute. :)

miata... miata... miata. 0:)

ryan bought a miata yesterday.

you know what i think of it.

i told him i'd walk. :P

i'm going to pick him up today so he can get his car. he was so excited about buying the car (in every way imaginable.) ;)

okay, i need to drop off a prescription and then pick up ryan.

understanding

(it's when i get ready to write about things like *this* that i pray pray PRAY that no student i've ever taught will find this. pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease may they never come across this blog.)

it's always a bit surprising when these things creep up on me. things... realizations? affirmations? those words sound too positive.

i was talking to ryan about the movie "the girl next door." i watched it this morning as soon as i got up. (i don't know why - it was on the table so i popped it in.) when i emailed ryan, i told him i had seen it (boobies and all). i suggested he watch it when i talked to him a little while ago. as soon as i said that, i suddenly felt self-conscious. i told him he would have to watch it on his own because i'd feel uncomfortable. he said he understood and that was fine.

despite how comfortable i may seem with him (in terms of taking my clothes off or letting him take my clothes off), i still get scared. it's still hard to imagine why he would want me naked. i've been so indoctrinated by the media to believe i'm undesirable (which i do). yet he says otherwise. i'm still not used to hearing him say things about my body. secretly i'm flattered, but at the same time, i don't want to start believing it's okay to be fat and convince myself it's acceptable. then again, i know i'll never be a size 2 with perfectly perky boobs, but it's something i dream of. maybe it's wrong to dream of looking that way, but how do you escape that kind of thought when it surrounds you? i don't want to become complacent about it.

in a week, i'm going to risk everything and put my self-esteem on the line. it makes me nervous just to think about it, but i know i need to do this. about three weeks ago, i went out and bought two babydoll sets - for ryan for valentine's. at the time, i thought, "what the hell am i doing?" okay, so maybe i'm still thinking that. i did a lot of thinking afterwards - most people would do that prior to actually initiating such plans - and this is something i need to do. for ryan, because i know he wants it even if he says i don't have to do it. there have been so many times i've felt like he's denied himself so much by being with me. for me, because i have to keep facing my fears if i want to be stronger.

i've never been so scared about anything in my life. i worry about what ryan will think, regardless of his reassurance. it's possible i'll just break down in tears from being so scared, but even getting to that point will feel like a step forward.

then there is my fear that i'll actually enjoy it. unleash the dormant sexpot LOL. no, i don't think that persona exists anywhere underneath the surface. that's always something that just sits at the back of my mind - the question of whether or not i'll discover i enjoy sex.

***

ryan asked me why i watch dawson's creek in the mornings. joey said something the other day that stuck in my mind. she was talking to a teenaged boy that reminded her of pacey. she said, "never give up the chase." that's what it's all about - the chase. it's what i want. to know i'm worthy of the pursuit. i could steal matthew's speech about moral fiber from "the girl next door" (ugh, will i be referencing that movie ad nauseum?), but i'll just stick to one part - "to know the juice was worth the squeeze."

ah well, i didn't get the job.

i'll sulk for a few days, attempting to make myself feel better with excuses...

*sigh*

happy eighteen months <3

all look same!!

is it true that all asians look the same?

prove it!

i got a 8/18. isn't that sad? (i think i did better the last time i took it.)

idol worship

keanu reeves now has a star on the walk of fame. I MUST GO TO HOLLYWOOD! *sniffle* oh my, i'm getting teary-eyed.

i love you keanu... do you know that??



i must go and find his star. i must stand on it. i must touch it. i must kiss it. i must... do naughty things. i am not crazy. i am in love.

(fantasy, i know... pure fantasy. like how he shows up at my door one day and professes his love and refuses to go on without me.)

he is teaming with sandra bullock again to do a remake of a korean movie tentatively called "il mare." like... omg, is that not a sign? it's all just a cover! i'm here, keanu!