Thursday, April 28, 2005

fear

he asked, "where do you see yourself in five years?"

i blanked. i didn't know. i stood there and thought, "am i supposed to know?"

deep inside, i do.
but to say it out loud?
that requires honesty.

so i made something up. it wasn't untrue - well, it was indeed true, but not true.
"i want to be a teacher."

among other things.



my period... 9 days and counting. what is wrong with me? this is the third time in the last four months that i've had my period last over 5 days. it's annoying. it's worrisome.

it scares me. i go in to see dr. b on saturday. it'll be the third time in five weeks. *sigh* she said she'd been rethinking my situation and she might have an idea for how to tackle this problem. my physician said i should have dr. b check for cysts on my ovaries. to think i might have cysts...



there's something missing...



i think i'll go jogging again tonight. i can't believe how out of shape i am. (okay, i can believe it.) it's been almost a year since i've been to the gym. last night was horrific - i barely made it five minutes before i felt like i wanted to throw myself on the ground and curl up into a ball. but i forced myself to finish anyway. hmm... i need to get back into running.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

an open letter to the world

sometimes...

i'm not honest.




i know i should be, but it scares me. honesty's always been a tricky thing.

it's not that i lie.
i just don't tell the whole truth.
only the parts that you want to hear.

it's just easier.
because being honest

is

hard.

Monday, April 25, 2005

boobs!

ah, check this out. :D

Verification word?

random rants

i've had a blah day, which means i have a lot of rants:
  • why do people in BMWs always have to talk on their phones while driving? there was a silver BMW on 66 this afternoon that narrowly missed colliding with the car in the right lane THREE times. she would gradually start drifting to the right and cross the line, then jerk her car back into her lane. i was behind her the whole time, and had to prepare myself either to break hard or swerve to avoid rear-ending her were she to hit that car. a fairly young guy in a black BMW cut me off, just missing the front corner of my car as i pulled off 66. he was talking on his phone. another silver BMW drifted in and out of its lane and into mine several times on the drive home. driving a BMW does NOT entitle you to drive like an asian woman. unless you ARE asian - then you just shouldn't be driving. (except for me.)
  • when i talk, do you hear greek coming out of my mouth? or maybe swahili? apparently, i stop speaking english the second i step through the doors at work because the kids don't seem to understand anything i say. "please take out your homework." "huh?" "homework." "what?" >:| maybe i should just start instructing in spanish.
  • i have a headache, and it makes me feel like i need to vomit.
  • my parents... ugh.
  • the stupid automated machine at the post office needs to offer more than 5 shipping choices. for the last time, NO, I DO NOT WANT TO SEND IT PARCEL POST.
  • why does chicken take so damn long to cook?
  • am i the only one that sees the irony in teaching conversation? honestly, people - just talk to other people. conversation cannot be taught. i can teach grammar. i can teach vocabulary. i can teach usage. i cannot teach conversation. i hate teaching ESL.
  • lady, if you can't make your kid shut up and act like a normal human being, i will kick you in the shins. there is no excuse for letting your demon-possessed imp shout at the top of his lungs that he wants to buy swim trunks. you also need to teach him that it is impolite to look into other people's carts and ask, "mommy, what are tampons?"
  • why the hell does the inside of my car smell like gasoline??
okay i think i'm done.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

the power of dessert

well, another nice weekend with ryan. :)

friday
well, because my weekend starts on friday. :P i finally got some stuff put away, so it doesn't look like i've just moved into my room now. both bookshelves are now filled and positioned where i want them. i still have a box of stuff on the floor (mostly CDs) that i need to figure out. that gives me a whole lot of empty space to fill. i looked at some stuff at ikea - things cost a little more than i was hoping to pay, but it'll be worth it to have a comfy room. i even got stuff put away in my desk - it still looks cluttered, but most of what's left on top is junk anyways, so i can just sweep it into the trash. then i can finally put my laptop up there and not sit hunched over on my bed. :P still need to figure out where to put the tv and dvd player... oh, and string up my gazillion lights. :D the hello kitty lights are definitly going above my bed.

saturday
earlier in the week, i had found this recipe for Mediterranean chicken and baked potatoes with pesto. we went shopping for a few things we needed, then we got it all ready. the chicken marinade smelled so good, we were both drooling. :P we let it sit for a couple hours. then we watched kung fu hustle. very funny, especially if you catch the references to other movies. :D when we got back, we made the chicken and potatoes - the chicken was supposed to be grilled but we broiled it instead (out of control fire!). it was yummy! well, when you add all that love, food always tastes better. ;) (eww that's so mushy, haha.) then we had whipped cream for dessert. :D :D :D

sunday
waited for ryan to wake up (very late!). i went over and waited with him for his parents to arrive. they're here for the week, so ryan's got the week off too. we sat around for a bit, then went out to dinner. *sigh* i promised ryan i would be well-behaved while they're here. not that i'm not always well-behaved. ;)

hmm, work tomorrow. not really looking forward to it. i have five girls, and they just don't really care. they spend most of the time gossipping about who's going out with whom. it's frustrating, and sometimes it's not even worth what i'm getting paid. i know it's a lot of money, but i'm not getting anything out of it. kathy told me to be tough with the girls, but that only makes the gossipping worse - their focus shifts to me. i don't really care what they have to say about me, but it detracts from class. last week i told them if they didn't complete their homework (they always have a week to do it), they would not be allowed to sit in class; rather, they would need to find an empty room and finish it. otherwise, i will ask them never to return to my class. that's fine with me - there's one girl who's somewhat serious that i'd rather work with individually. at least she makes an effort. *sigh* this is why i never want to teach middle school. they're at the age where they don't want to be treated like little kids but they have little respect for adults. i think freshmen are a good group - i had a pretty good experience with them during my student teaching.

anyway...

Friday, April 22, 2005

if they only knew

for some reason i was thinking about how people saw me when i was in high school. obviously, i was uber nerdy. very quiet. so innocent.

god, if they only knew.

;)

(slutty!)

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

strange dreams

i woke up, looked at my left hand, and gasped. there was no ring.

i was absolutely convinced we had gotten engaged. then i stopped and thought for a minute. i realized it had been a dream. a very strange one, involving my dad and ryan making plans for a wedding in three weeks. may 8th, to be exact. O_O how weird. i know my dad wants me out of the house, but not that quickly.

anyway... class tonight. only three weeks left, i think. :)

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

getting through

i spent three days in a row with ryan - how am i going to make it through the week? *sigh*

i miss you so much, it hurts...

Monday, April 18, 2005

weekend rundown

well, i managed to spend friday, saturday, and sunday with ryan. it wasn't all roses, but there were a couple roses involved. :)

friday night i drove up to see him because i missed him. i saw him on wednesday, but two days is a long time. ;) we played as only virgins can (haha). we ended up getting into a little tiff and it made me cry a little, but we figured it all out.

saturday he came here and we just hung out. late lunch at chipotle's, late dinner of pizza, watched some price is right, SVU, and SNL. ;) we're just homebodies. but i love just snuggling with him. he's so soft and squishy.

sunday, we spent the day driving around with the top down because it was so damn nice outside! :D he took us all over the county, we saw some really nice houses. i didn't realize how rural it really was if you go just a few miles out from where he lives. we grabbed some burgers for dinner, then watched "brain candy." then we snuggled and he made me giggle. ;)

*sigh* i love him.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

ugh

Ashton Kutcher, you suck.

"I'll watch a Keanu Reeves movie and I'll go, 'Wow. He's really not a great actor.' But the guy works really hard and keeps doing hit movies."

We all know he's not a great actor, but it takes a tactless one to point that out about a fellow actor. >:|

things i find

i just found this on CL while i was browsing. i thought it was really good, so here are the parts that i felt were things i might say (with minor editing), probably much less eloquently:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"What I Want"
Someone who remembers how I like my coffee (two sugars, two cream).

Someone who will glance across the table at me at a dinner party, with a look that reads, “I have plans for you later.”

Someone who understands that said plans should be about fun and intimacy. And may mean that you have to sleep in on Sunday.

Someone who educates me about what they do and why they do it. And it should be something that really “gets them out of bed in the morning”, meaning, they are looking for or have found something they love, and someone to pay them to do it.

Someone who immediately hands me the Style section when we open the Washington Post together, and doesn’t give me grief that I do the crossword before learning what is going on in the world.

Someone to be a witness to my life, and me to his. This means bearing witness to the graduations, promotions, triumphs, as well as the times you do something truly stupid and regrettable.

Someone who helps you realize that people do stupid and regrettable things, and we love them anyway. Sounds trite perhaps, but it helps to have others show you the lesson to be learned.

Someone I like “that way” for reasons that maybe I don’t even understand.

Someone who is comfortable in their own skin, but takes care of themselves. And I don’t mean a person who feels compelled to work out all the time and read everything under the sun. Just a guy who knows you are born with one body and one mind, so it makes sense to take care of both.

Someone who offers to pick up the check when they have dinner with my parents for the first time. Even if they don’t know that my parents would never let them pay.

Someone who realizes that even if you don’t swing that way, other people do. We can’t help who we love. Let people live their lives. ‘nuff said.

Someone who laughs. Often.

The End.

Hell, I would just settle for someone who knows how I like my coffee.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
i think i'm on my way there...




i need to feel better about myself.

i am not my mistakes.
i am not my mistakes.
i am not my mistakes.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

prep part iii

Finally, I said, "Do you--"

He was kissing my shoulder. He did not say anything but I could feel him listening.

The moment stretched. He propped himself up to look at me. My hands had been set on either side of his rib cage, but I became self-conscious and pulled my arms in, as if to block a ball from hitting my chest. He moved my arms, first one, then the other, and set them at my sides. I liked this about him, how he didn't let me get away with things. If it was like we were starting from the beginning every time, it wasn't that I was testing him. It was more like needing proof: You want to be here, you want to touch me. In these moments, when I was stiff or bashful, he'd say, "No shyness," and burrow into me, and shyness seemed such a generous word for it. (Prep)
***
went to see the cherry blossoms with ryan yesterday. the trees were so beautiful. :) i wish there had been time (and more importantly, opportunity) to take pictures - there were just so many people there, it was nearly impossible to stop even for a moment. it was such a nice day too - perfectly warm in he sun, not a cloud in the sky. holding the hand of the boy i love. 0:)

Friday, April 08, 2005

more prep

"But to be seen as pretty was to be fundamentally misunderstood. First of all, I wasn't pretty, and on top of that I didn't take care of myself like a pretty girl did; I wasn't even one of the unpretty girls who passes as pretty through effort and association. If a guy believed my value to lie in my looks, it meant either he'd somehow been misled and would eventually be disappointed, or that he had very low standards. What I wanted to know about Dave was, had he noticed me before that time in the hospital, or had I piqued his interest during that conversation? But why would he have noticed me before, or why would I have piqued his interest then? Was I the best that he could do?" -Prep

i really like this book. now i wish i had gone to boarding school.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

i went *shopping* yesterday. :) i got a cordorouy skirt (much shorter than i normally wear, but it was cute), a pink polo, and two strapless dresses (one pink, one black). i don't think i've worn a dress since i graduated in '03. well, there was the one i wore for the holiday party, but that was mandatory. i tried them on for my mom yesterday, she seemed to like them. now i just have to see what ryan thinks.

it's been a strange week, at times both long and quick. i spent all day monday thinking it was thursday. yesterday, it felt like monday. today feels like friday. i'm all off. it's the crazy weather. it's not as sunny or warm as it was yesterday. it's supposed to rain, but i haven't seen any yet. it's supposed to rain on saturday too, which kinda sucks because i wanted to go downtown and see the cherry blossoms. i guess if it does rain, i can take myself over there on sunday, maybe with mom.

so i'm thinking maybe i should find something fun to do for my birthday, kind of a late solo celebration. (that sounds vulgar.) an email from melissa reminded me that i'm not getting any younger... that i have to enjoy myself while my knees still work (well, sort of). maybe virginia beach since i've never been? dunno. i'm feeling a little... bleh.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

quote

"As a freshman, I had at times believed that if my sadness were intense enough, it would magnetically draw a handsome boy to my room to comfort me, and that had served as an incentive, when alone, to lie around and weep. But nothing had ever come of my exertions, and I'd finally realized that time passed faster if you were doing something, like watching TV or reading a magazine." -Prep

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

more googling

more google whacking:
- "pyrrhuloxias" and "quacksalver"

what the google?

so far, i have google whacked:
- "wahoos" and "anti-disestablishmentarianism" (must use hyphen!)
- "pachyderms" and "dysthymia"

hey, two nights in a row. not too shabby. not too shabby at all. :P

jessie oneightwo: you should be in bed. :P
jessie oneightwo: (with me)
revirDAKA: yes. and ohhhh yes. :)

who said i was all that innocent? ;) i love to snuggle with my boy.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

:D

yay for turning 24 with the most wonderful boy in the world. ;) i <3 my geek. :P

we had planned on going to DC to watch the fireworks last night, but it was pouring out so we decided against it. (we had also planned on hitting up the dessert and coffee thing at phillip's, but it would have been a little boring without the fireworks.) we had dinner, played a little, and made a cake. hehe it wasn't the best cake, but whatever - how often does someone make me a cake? ;)

we got tickets to HFStival yesterday. yay! pretty good line-up this year, bands i've never seen live. (good charlotte is playing again, but is anyone surprised? expect to here lots of the "thanks HFS for giving us a chance" blahblahblah.) dc101's chili cookoff is next month too, neither of us has ever been to it, it might be fun. (it's better than an nsync concert!!)

hehe... well, off to go shopping with mom. :) i'm feeling so good right now.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

spank me

happy birthday to meeeeee! :D i'd like my 24 spanks now.