Monday, January 31, 2005

sex is happening to everyone

1) people trying to purchase TurboTax software find themselves listening to a greeting from a phone sex line. i'm sure men who discovered this told all their buddies. since it's early in the year, they have plenty of time to get their taxes done. right after they're done talking on the phone...

2) germany has allowed brothels to search unemployment databases for potential employees. if you turn down a job offer because you don't think there's much of a future in prostitution, you could lose your unemployment benefits. well, ain't that a bitch. and the europeans think they're soooo smart.

so, children, practice safe sex (see 1) and stay away from brothels (see 2).
that is all.
i'm hungry, and i feel less optimistic about my chances with this job as time creeps by.

how depressing. :(

i need ice cream.
i'm not really sure how the interview went. i guess it was okay. they didn't ask to see any of my work, so i didn't show them. should i have offered anyway? i got there really early, and i saw the girl that had the interview before me. she had just a folder with her. they seemed to like me. there was a lot that i had in common with everyone. (i forget all their names.) the department co-chair used to teach at falls church, so he kept bringing that up and asking me about my internship. the teacher that's leaving graduated from uva, so we had that to discuss. the other c0-chair knows my high school English teacher. the history teacher that was there scared me a little. she looked mean. suffice it to say, we had little to say to each other. i also did some name dropping, like, "oh, i know jessica d. and kevin l. ooh and jane v." did that sound too desperate?

oh well. i guess i just sit and wait.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

my interview

i think i may have forgotten to mention that i have an interview at westfield high school on monday. i'm excited that i could be getting a permanent job already, but i'm also worried that i won't get it. let's face it--i'm not the most experienced candidate. if i get the job, that'll be fantastic; i'll be one step closer to getting my life straightened out and moving out on my own. if i don't get the job, that's okay; i'll take it as a learning experience. of course, i'd be a little sad (okay, maybe a lot), but i won't look at it as a rejection. i mean, i think it's really nice of them to even consider me. :)

did everyone see all the wonderful snow falling this morning?? beautiful. i wish i could have been outside when it was snowing. i've always wanted to be outside with ryan when the first snow falls. being 30 miles apart kind of makes that difficult. :
i've got a busy week ahead.

water is wet, sky is blue

scientists report that burgers and fries are bad for you.


*eye roll*

read it here.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

have i been good?

mmm... aren't these yummy? only $500 at tiffany's. i know that's a lot to spend on earrings, but they're platinum! 0:) *sigh* oh well... they do have sterling silver ones for $135. maybe i'll save up and treat myself.

these are nice too... sterling silver. one of these days, i'm going to get myself over to tiffany's and just spend an hour walking around.

maybe i should show these to dad.

ooh i like these...

Friday, January 28, 2005

did you know?

it is the year of the rooster. i completely forgot. so all you people turning 24 this year... wheeee!

Meet Ryan. Isn't he cute?

Thursday, January 27, 2005

joys of womanhood

i am annoyed. i am bleeding for the third time in less than a month. o_O wtf? there is no explanation for this. i have not been under stress, i have no changed my diet, i have not gained or lost weight (a little sad that i haven't...), i have not had a change in my sleep schedule, i have not taken any medication, i have not suffered any injuries, i have not had sex, i am not pregnant.

oh. my. god. what the hell?


i am going to see my doctor tonight. i am so special because i get to go to his house. well, last time i talked to him, he said it's possible my body's not producing enough estrogen. i should have gone to student health and gotten an exam when i was thinking of it two weeks ago. oof. i'll see what he says tonight, then make an appointment.

and what is up with having to attend an info session before seeing a gyno? "to learn what to expect in a pelvic exam"? if you don't know, then you're in trouble.


Wednesday, January 26, 2005


Well, Infinity has said HFStival is still a possibility for this year. Fingers crossed!
And I quote:
While there are exceptionsn to this rule, general experience indicates that "husky" girls--those who are just a little on the heavy side--are likely to be more even-tempered and efficient than their underweight sister.
If you think about it, it's true. How many bitchy fat girls have you met? Believe me, we have nothing to be bitchy about.

Haha, I love this strip.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

This is coming out soon. *sigh* The second I feel the box in my hands... bliss. Sweet, heavenly bliss. I get to live out Brian's sexcapades again. Oh, how I yearn.

I can't believe QAF is going into its final season this spring. How sad is that?? Well, better to end it while it's still good, I guess.

Well, the point is, I want it. I must have it. I will wait though. *cough* You know, my birthday IS in two-and-a-half months. I want a Ti-Book, but do I really deserve one? :P (Sleek and powerful... orgasmic.)

So, click click click away! Put QAF in your shopping cart and send it to ME!
it's hard to describe how i feel right now.
relieved? a little.

i feel better though. i think we both came to realize that there's a lot we still don't know about each other, and we can't continue hiding in our respective corners and blaming it on our past lives. i've always felt an urgency to change myself because i hate what i see when i look back. i think ryan's just come to feel that, too.

he said he couldn't figure out why he wasn't as introspective as he should be, but i think that's one of the most endearing things about him. i'm not trying to glorify myself as the charity case of the month, but introspection is inevitable when the outside world bombards you with reasons to hate it. i've always been forced to be the grown-up in so many situations, and my childhood was lost to a mother that needed to live vicariously through me. i still deal with the effects of that, as i stand at a crossroad and wonder where i should be heading next. i was a sad child, and i'll always be that sad child. and it's through introspection (and grief) that i heal old wounds. ryan was relatively happy. sadness was pretty rare, as it still is. and it's not that he doesn't have anything to reflect on. it just doesn't involve all the complex psychoanalysis that i put myself through. that's part of his innocence--he hasn't had to drag himself through endless days, wondering when the pain will stop. he's been untouched by the worst of life's nasty ways.

and it helps me heal...

there's no one i love more in this world, and no one i'd rather love.

"the greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return."

Monday, January 24, 2005


food for thought:
What does the women's movement oppose to the phallocratic structure? Autonomy, difference, a specificity of desire and pleasure, a different relation to the female body, a speech, a writing - but never seduction. They are ashamed of seduction, as implying an artificial presentation of the body, or a life of vassalage and prostitution. They do not understand that seduction represents mastery over the symbolic universe, while power represents only mastery of the real universe. The sovereignty of seduction is incommensurable with the possession of political or sexual power. - from Seduction by Jean Baudrillard

[edit] the proof of the power of seduction?
i got to thinking tonight--and you know that never leads to anything good. well, i guess it's just a way for me to work things out without really having to... work things out. o_O

i guess it started last night. he snapped at me in the car because i wasn't being clear and timely with my directions (i admit to that), and i had to stop myself from snapping back. it was in that moment that i realized how rare it was for him to just say what he thinks or feels.

then while i was laying in bed, i was having an imaginary conversation with ryan, and it suddenly struck me as odd. well, not the part where i was having an imaginary conversation, but that i was talking to my pillow instead of ryan. (i know that might be confusing, but it's what i do at night because i can never fall asleep.) i've been mulling over it all day, and i don't really know what the solution is.

lately i've felt like i'm desperately trying to engage him. i know he has a life outside of our relationship, as do i. it's not important that he be completely absorbed in MY LIFE, but it is important to know that he wants to know me better. maybe it's just my own interest in people that drives my curiosity, but i want to know everything there is to know about him. i assume he wants the same from me, but i just don't get that impression.

he doesn't ask me anything. i think that's what bothers me the most. i try to lead him to ask me something--anything, really--but he always just kind of... stops. he does this thing where, if i ask a question or try to get a discussion going, he'll sum up everything in a few sentences and drop the subject. it's more of an answer than a conversation, and it leaves me feeling like i've interrogated him. that leaves us with long gaps of silence, and my attention quickly wanders.

about two weeks ago, we had a discussion about oral sex because... well, it just needed to be addressed. i was conflicted about it and wasn't sure what to think or feel about the issue. it's just not really something i want to do, but everything i was reading online was telling me to get over whatever qualms i had about oral sex and just do it. i brought it up with ryan, and i asked him how he felt about it to try and figure it out, but it was more of a question-answer session. i had questions; he had answers. he didn't really ask me anything. other than the fact that he thinks about it and wouldn't mind it, i really don't know how he feels about it. to be honest, i didn't walk away from it feeling any less conflicted. if anything, i had more concerns and questions.

everything he knows about me i've volunteered. tonight, i just wanted to say, "ask me something, anything, just talk to me." i try to get him to talk, but he just doesn't. i want him to talk not only with me, but also with my parents. he blames his shyness for that, but you get to a point where you can't use that excuse anymore. a couple months ago, my parents told me that then think ryan is a nice guy, but they worry about never being able to communicate with him. my dad tries sometimes, but he can only go so far unless ryan is willing to take up the other end. i think it would thrill my parents if he even attempted small talk with them. it wouldn't hurt to ask my dad how the addition is coming along, or my mom how the golf is going. i don't want to have to prompt him; i want him to take the initiative.

i want to know how he feels and what he thinks without having constantly to prompt him. sometimes it feels like he's holding back and waiting for me to say it's okay to say something.

i know he'll read this sometime during the day, and when i come home from work, we'll have a serious discussion. i'm not going to be presumptuous and say i know how it'll go. i'm crossing my fingers and hoping it'll be... better.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

things you do for love

i just finished watching wicker park. i didn't think it would be great because the critics panned it when it came out. but you know i have a weak spot for josh hartnett. ;)

it was creepy and sexy at the same time. it took me a while to get into the movie because of all the flashbacks and multiple story lines. in the end, all the stories come together and it's almost scary how they do. but the last scene is the best part. josh's character (matthew) goes to all possible lengths to find this girl he loves so much. *sigh* i think we all wish for that. to wake up one morning and know you're in love and can't live without him or her in your life. it's that neverending quest for love. i think one of the best moments in the movie was when he finds out where she lives, and he goes there. the guy that she has just broken up with comes by and leaves a rose in the door handle and slips a note under her door. matthew just watches this. he goes for the note after the guy leaves, but he can't reach it, so he takes his belt off, and uses it to pull the note out. he writes his own note to her, asking her to meet him at their usual spot and slips it back in. something about that scene made me really want to lick his face. :*) the girl who plotted to keep matthew and lisa apart was motivated by jealousy... and it's not hard to see why. she just wanted to know the love that lisa experienced. who doesn't?

a lazy sunday... what to do?

Saturday, January 22, 2005

the return of the rock!

now, i had an awesome day with ryan BUT...

*sob* *sniffle* WHFS is back! :D :D :D *sigh* what a relief. back on the radio, and now broadcasting live online at what an excellent world it is indeed. (as much as i detest AOL, i do thank them for helping WHFS get back on their feet.) this summer's HFStival will be bittersweet. *sniffle*

another round of thanks to... MICROSOFT and LavaSoft. i know, you love to hate them. but last night, i released the most horrible string of expletives when i had spyware installed on my computer. finally, after five scans with AntiSpyware and five scans with Ad-Aware, my computer is clean. if you ever find your IE has been hijacked by the Elite Toolbar, just run AntiSpyware and Ad-Aware alternatively a few times. it's tedious, but it sure beats a system reinstall. :) so now i'm spyware freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

so yea, ryan. 0:) it started snowing after he got here, and it was just coming down. i was afraid it would pile up really quickly and that he'd get stuck here. (not that i would have minded, but my parents might have shit a brick.) we watched some tv, watched a movie, played in the snow!! ryan laughed at me because i got my gloved hand stuck on the street sign pole. and i was my cute self, as usual. :P when we were outside, there was a large patch of clean snow. i told ryan to wait on the sidewalk, and i wrote "I <3 U" in the snow. :D i wish i had taken a picture of it. am i the best girlfriend or what? ;) then we went shopping. sort of. we went to landmark but the whole place was closed except for hecht's. that was where i had wanted to go anyway, so i bought this cute button down shirt for him for valentine's day. he knew about it so i figured he might as well try it on so i could see how it fit. then we came back, ate pizza, and watched SVU. *sigh* what a lovely winter day.

i hope everyone stayed safe and warm on this cold snowy day.

Friday, January 21, 2005

an early wish

for dana... happy 13th birthday (tomorrow).

adventure #1

that felt good.

Thursday, January 20, 2005


Hey, America. Meet your President.

Another reason why Star Wars nerds are so lonely.


discreet adj. capable of preserving prudent silence; having or showing discernment or good judgment

mom, please stop discussing my reproductive issues with dad. it is embarrassing. you know, ten years ago, was it necessary to celebrate my first period?


i think she's just relieved that i'm not pregnant. she seems pretty enthusiastic about birth control, though. hmm.

the horrors of home

you know, at soon-to-be-24 years, living at home is one of those things you really can't appreciate anymore. while i'm ready for my own life, living at home means taking care of three other ones as well. where was everyone at 8 this morning that i had to answer an incessantly ringing phone and an incessantly ringing doorbell... only to find no one at either! so i'm cranky.

to top it off, there is no water.

the water pipes froze in the still unfinished addition and ended up bursting, so there's water all over the place in there and the kitchen. this addition was supposed to be finished in august. dad is now five months behind and counting. i'm taking bets as to when he will actually finish. (note: our basement is still a work in progress after 16 years.) i can't give him too much crap since he has done a lot of work in the time he's worked on the addition. it's just i'd rather not be here when it's finished. that just means he expects me to move to the current master bedroom, which in turn means he expects me to stay here. FOREVER.

last night during dinner, mom said, "save some of that for tom." (we were eating shrimp and fish.) i looked at her and stopped eating. i asked, "why do i have to pretend i care about him?" she clicked her tongue at me and went on eating. then dad said, "do you know that you can make $7,000 a week selling cell phones? that's $400,000 a year." so? "i can buy a store for tom and make him a permanent family employee." (those were his exact words.) so i asked, "why do you keep trying to keep him around when you know he doesn't want to be here?" they just don't get it.

mom gave me a nasty look this last weekend because i spent a whole three days with ryan. oh my fucking god, i've made a pact with the devil. what's wrong with her? it's not enough that i involuntarily pent myself up in the house all week? that i come home rightafterworkasfastasican? that i eat dinner with them every night of the week? that i don't ever leave the house on a weeknight? i spend one night out of the house, and they act like i've committed a cardinal sin. i walk in and i get their : faces, followed by silence the next day. i do it every week, they know i'll do it every week, so they had better fucking get used to it. oh, it's no problem if tom does it every fucking night of the week. no, he's GOD and he cannot be admonished.

mom also took $100 from my pay. why? because she thinks she deserves it. for what? for doing things i tell her not to do because i can do them? how many times have i asked her to stop taking my laundry so i can do it? how many times have i asked her to stop opening my fucking mail because i'm not 5 years old? how many times have i asked her to stop coming into the bathroom when i'm in the shower because i'm fucking 24 years old?

tom is back to his old habits, and suddenly my routine has come under scrutiny. what a fucking madhouse.

damnit, i need a shower.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

winter wonder...fuck

the first real snow of the season, and i'm stuck teaching kids that are 1) half-asleep; 2) not interested; 3) unable to speak English; or 4) some combination of those. it's been so long since i've played in the snow. REALLY played in the snow. (spinning out and hurling my car into a snowbank doesn't count, right?) there wasn't enough snow for it to be fun anyway. remember those blizzards we had in the 90s? where has all the snow gone?

it's cold and slippery outside.
bundle up and drive carefully.
and watch out for those minivans.

To my Ryan...

Telling my pillow doesn't do justice... For you, mi amor:
I love the way you smile at me.
I love the way you kiss me.
I love your hands.
I love the way you hold my hand.
I love the way your hand wanders over my back.
I love your eyes.
I love the way they look at me.
I love your laugh. (Or maybe your giggles?)
I love your honesty.
I love you strength.
I love your enthusiasm.
I love your optimism.
I love your innocence.
I love the way you breath at night. (Even when you snore.)
I love how warm you always are.
I love all the spots that make you break down into giggles.
I love squeezing your butt.
I love how you've changed my life.
I love the way you love me.
I love when you whisper in my ear.
I love the way you hug me.
I love the way we talk about nothing and wonder where the time has gone.
I love how you make me believe.
I love your determination.
I love your dedication.
I love to love you.
I love our shared moments of bliss.
I love your nerdiness.
I love your boyish charm.
I love your ears.
I love the way you try so hard.
I love how open and willing you are to new things. Especially yellow and pink things. (No pun intended, hehe.)
I love the way you inspire me.
I love the way you encourage me.
I love the way you smell.
I love the way you smell me at the most random times.
I love your dreams.
I love your patience.
I love your tenderness.
I love your attention.
I love the way we snuggle. And cuddle. And spoon.
I love...
I love...
I love you.

And for the first time in my life, I feel beautiful.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

say cheese

The ability to make someone smile (voluntarily or otherwise) always gives you the warm-fuzzies.

the first steps

i embark on a new adventure.

i don't really know why i feel like i need to change so often. we live in a world of facelifts and tummy tucks. i suppose i exert whatever control i can over my life and hope it gives me some peace. but you know, it never really happens.

i just smile and go with the flow.

so i leave you with this...

"We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but, for the first time, let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is that we are." - Garden State