Wednesday, December 28, 2005

it's almost the end of the year

a belated happy holidays...

i am thisclose to finalizing my move. i am just waiting for the leasing office to call me in to sign the lease. i will be moving just around the corner. :)

ryan is coming home tomorrow. i am very excited. it's been a tough few days without him here. *sigh* i can't wait to see him at the airport tomorrow.

Monday, December 05, 2005

i need to find a new place to live

i gave the office my notice today. i've been looking through some ads on craigslist. right now, the best place (with the best prices) seems to be the colonies, but it's not very convenient. it's on a road you can't access from the eastbound lanes of route 7. hmm... i'll keep looking. i'm giving myself until january 15 to find a place.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

dreaming of my stolen car

for the second night in a row, i dreamed that my car was stolen.

friday night, i dreamed that i had gone shopping. i was looking for a bra, and ryan kept pointing to ones that he believed i should get. i said no to each one. i was looking for something specific, which i couldn't find. i felt myself getting frustrated because i wanted to find this one bra, but it wasn't anywhere in the store. we went outside to leave, but i couldn't find my car. i walked to the spot where i knew i had parked it, but it wasn't there. we walked up and down the aisles, looking for my car. ryan kept telling me he knew where it was, and then he would walk me over to a car that wasn't mine. it made me angry. finally we split up to search the lot, but neither of us could find it. we walked around the lot for hours, without any luck.

last night, i dreamed that i was somewhere in california and i was on my way to a party. there wasn't any place to park in front of the house, so i drove a few blocks down and parked on a side street. the street was a steep hill going up, and i parked right at the bottom, behind one other car. i walked to the party. as i left it later that day, i felt weird, like something was wrong. when i got to the street where my car was supposed to be parked, it wasn't there, and neither was the car that was parked in front of mine. i thought i had stopped at the wrong street, so i proceeded down another block, but that street was level. i went back and stared at the empty spot where my car should have been. i had no idea where my car was. i started walking up and down the street, looking to see if i had parked it somewhere else and wrongly believed it was on the hill. i went back to the spot and noticed a guy sitting outside on his porch, right above the street. i asked if he saw what happened to my car. he said a tow truck had been there earlier, taking away the cars because no one's allowed to park on that street. i looked around for a sign indicating that, but there wasn't any. i started to panic, and i asked where the truck took my car. he had no idea.

i did a search on google for dreams about stolen/lost cars, and this is what i found on several sites:
Everything begins normally in this story. You have gone to work or on an errand and parked your car. But when you come back to get in your car it is not where you put it. It doesn't seem to have been stolen, but it isn't in the right parking place. Everyone else seems to know where their cars are, but you wander around feeling silly and bewildered and frustrated. Where could it have gone?

Most Common Meaning: Cars in dreams often relate to the dreamer's career, or predominant identity in waking life. Your car is your "vehicle," the way you move through life, and it may be grand or shabby depending on your view of things on any given day. Losing track of your car is a theme that occurs when you have done what was expected of you, made the best choice you could under the circumstances, but you still don't feel your talents and abilities are being fully used. Your "vehicle" in those terms is not in its right place. This doesn't suggest you need to quit your job, rather the dream is reflecting a sense of being out-of-place, and of feeling that things didn't turn out according to plan. This theme usually recurs during periods of deep frustration; so don't be alarmed if the dreams themselves are highly annoying and disquieting.

this was the most detailed "interpretation" i could find. if it's true, then maybe i'm not happy with my job... well, not the job itself, but the situation i'm stuck in. truthfully, it hasn't gone according to plan because i have a team teacher that doesn't understand the word "team" and all its implications. i do find myself constantly frustrated by her lack of contribution to the team (with me and another teacher); she always feels she is right and somehow i need to accommodate her.

i love my job, i really do. i know there are many ways in which it could be more pleasant (in terms of the Big Brother vibe from the administration and team teacher compatibility), but i love the kids, i love my colleagues, and i love the support system. i want to stick it out in the county because i know it so well... i am a product of this school system. but in a few years, i might consider a change in school districts, just so i don't get burned out.

Friday, November 25, 2005


it's fun just to prance around in nothing but a negligee, singing along to cheesy 80s music and eating jelly beans.


Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Sunday, November 13, 2005

the hardest part saying good-bye in the morning. *sigh*

lazy weekend. those two words will suffice to sum up two days of...
[-] laughing
[-] tickling
[-] snuggling
[-] eating
[-] watching lesbians
[-] sleeping late
[-] being silly
[-] indulging in total and utter debauchery

:D it was great.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

to the one i love

^_^ i love waking up to you.

or waking you up. i think that's more accurate.

and happy birthday to my dad.
and happy anniversary to my parents.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

educational outsourcing

i'm all for private tutors, but this is ridiculous:

"It's called e-tutoring -- yet another example of how modern communications, and an abundance of educated, low-wage Asians, are broadening the boundaries of outsourcing and working their way into the minutiae of American life, from replacing your lost credit card through reading your CAT scan to helping you revive your crashed computer."

something about it weirds me out.

the reason teachers don't stay after school longer to help kids is we don't get paid past our contracted time. granted, i stay until 4:00 almost every day because i do have kids that come in and stay that long, but the school is almost always empty after 3:00. it's sad really -- i think it says more about the teachers than the kids. we've chosen a career that doesn't pay well because it's something we love to do. i know how frustrating it is for the kids -- to the point that i've offered help with Spanish, math, and history after school. (a handful have taken advantage of it.)


Tuesday, October 18, 2005

today was a good day. my kids made me smile.

and they think i'm cool.


Friday, October 14, 2005

i'm hungry. where is all the food?

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Monday, October 10, 2005

i'm not sorry for kicking you out last night.

i was angry. i was hurt.

this weekend i felt like your responsibility. your burden. your weekly chore. i don't want to be a "to-do" you pencil in on saturday, a tentative appointment allowed to be shifted, interrupted. i want to know our time is sacred enough to you that you don't entertain the idea of anyone-else-ness. only you-and-me-ness.

i don't want to be forgotten... not again.

i don't want to wait for a phone call that never comes.

i don't want to feel like second place.

i want to be your everyday.

«i'm still waiting for
you to be the one i'm waitin for
something tells me that this is going to make sense
something tells me it's going to take patience
something tells me that this will all work out in the end...»

Friday, October 07, 2005

rain, rain, go away...

:) actually, it's really nice. we haven't had a good downpour in a long time.

the weekend... well, there will have to be some time that i devote to work. i stayed until 4 today to finish up some work. that means i will have less to do on tuesday. ;) i'm looking forward to having an extra day to relax.

this weekend, i want to feel... inspired. it's been a while.

oh, and... hello brendan. :)

Monday, October 03, 2005

days of solitude

i have been away for so long. it wasn't hard to stay away... life has been busybusybusy.

work is fulfilling... stressful... invigorating... frustrating... all at once. my life seems to mimic that too. there hasn't been a lot going on, but it always feels that way.

my weekend wasn't great. i fell asleep while ryan was here and i didn't know he left. i wasn't feeling like myself at all. it was like there was something lodged in the back of my head that i couldn't quite figure. it's still there... a little self-reflection is in order, i believe.


late at night, i feel like life has left me by the wayside...

oh, i almost forgot - it's been 26 months. <3

Monday, September 19, 2005

have you ever wanted to hit someone? really hit someone?

i got that urge several times today.

okay, let me explain my situation at work:
  • i team teach 3 of my 5 periods. i team one class with SMR and two classes with KGT.
  • KGT also teams with RCA. RCA and i are likethis because of the circumstances that follow.
  • RCA and i are both "new" teachers... i.e. this is our first year of full-time teaching, but we have at least a year of student teaching/other teaching jobs under our belts. we are competent, if not better versed, than some of the older teachers.
  • KGT has been teaching for 20+ years. in those 20+ years she's been teaching, educational theory has undergone major changes. she comes from a very different school of educational philosophy than RCA and me. as a result, we do things that go against everything i was told not to do in my graduate classes. i feel like i've angered the education deities.
  • KGT team taught with the same teacher for the past 5 years. they clicked like the snap on my pants. this year, KGT is no longer working with ex-partner-in-crime and is experiencing severe withdrawal. consequently, RCA and i have to deal with that.
  • KGT likes to throw her "i am so much more experienced" attitude at RCA and me. she believes that is her excuse to get away with doing nothing, which leaves the bulk of the administrative work to us. unfortunate for her, we are not happy with this situation.
  • RCA and i had a secret throw-down with the department chair last week. we spent an hour venting our frustrations. our lovely MJ was sympathetic and appalled but grateful that we had remained professional and calm. we decided on a plan of action, which will be set in motion this week.
  • KGT tends to do as she will without asking for an okay. for example... i had emails to write and grades to input, and i had both programs open on my computer. i stepped away for 2 minutes to speak with another teacher. she slipped into my room and closed out all programs and logged me off. she proceeded to do what she needed without the slightest apology. then she made me stay until 4:00 to help her input her grades. she has less than 15 kids in our shared classes. she couldn't do that by herself. is she serious?! "let's put a grade on it for now. you can read them later." you? my ass.
  • KGT does nothing but complain about how much work she has or how the division of students doesn't make sense or how evil the administration is or... blahblahblah.
  • KGT has never taken attendance in our classes.
where do i stop? i would not like to see her return next year. or at least, i would not like to team with her next year. i will try my best to remain sane until june.

i haven't gotten to the point where i have homicidal thoughts, but that could happen sooner than i thought.


Sunday, September 18, 2005


the majority of my belongings are settled in my new apartment. now that i'll be in mclean, the drive to work will be shorter and less stressful. :) ryan helped me move all the big stuff (thanks!). i spent way too much money this weekend...

i'll use the rest of this week to move the last of my things. then i'll be on my own.

it's the start of something new.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

more people remember me than i thought...

seriously... matt a. last week, shannon c. and john p. this week. :P

so i was really confused about my future rent because the girl leaving told me 750, but the lease said 900. she gave me a check last week but i couldn't figure out what it was for. okay, so i finally figured it all out today. she gave me a check for the difference in rent (since i'm taking over her lease) and then subtracted the prorated rent for september. so technically i AM paying 750. :P well, that's fine, my monthly paychecks are more than enough to cover that and live comfortably. my financial advisor promises to make me rich by the time i retire. i'm holding him to it. :)

i've decided that i have enough time to work for kathy in the afternoons. honestly, i don't have any work that i bring home, i can get most of it done in school. besides, who am i to turn down an easy two hours and cash pay? :D plus, it'll be nice to have some untaxed income. but shh, don't tell anyone. ;)

Sunday, September 11, 2005


that we're still fighting this war four years later...

we have taken the wrong road.

our dead have yet to be properly honored.

Thursday, September 08, 2005


today, the house is empty.

i'm empty.

just empty.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005


i saw the prettiest bunch of orange roses today.

and it made me smile.


Monday, September 05, 2005

only you

:) it's been tough these last few weeks, but i still find reasons to smile. it's amazing how much of my bullshit ryan puts up with, but i'm so glad he does. have you ever felt that something was so right?

you & me baby... <3 has it been two whole days? i miss you. :)

Sunday, September 04, 2005


i've been doing a lot of that recently.

i probably shouldn't, huh?

i cleaned my room. well, part of it. i can actually see the top of my desk now. bets on how many days it'll go like that?

i emailed daniel and jacob the "mr. chip" picture. hehe. "stop it, you guys are so immature." :)

i need to go back this week and finally sign my lease. (this keeps dragging out, doesn't it.) anyway, this time it will definitely be straightened out and ready to go.

okay... time to get more stuff done.

Friday, September 02, 2005

blue box, blue box!

so apparently chi got another (another!!) blue-box-with-a-white-ribbon because she had a bad day. just for having a bad day.

damn, where's my blue box? ;) i've had a year's worth of bad days in the last two weeks.



Tuesday, August 30, 2005

so random

i noticed a guy walking through the parking lot in my direction as i was heading in to the mall. all of a sudden, he says, "hey jessica." i froze because i didn't know who he was. i thought for a while, then i figured out who it was. it was matt. he looked so different from the way i remembered him. definitely heavier.

i can't believe he recognized me. well, i guess i don't look all the different. :P

Sunday, August 28, 2005

take me away

how do people live as long as they do with their parents? how did i even manage to stay here this long? i hate coming to this house. each day i get angrier. each day i remember all the pain i've felt. each day i realize i've been the good obedient daughter for too long.

i am leaving september 17.

the little girl inside can finally smile.

Friday, August 26, 2005

is that macy's?

seriously. i can see the macy's across the street from where i will soon be living. :D i'm a couple signatures away from living in mclean... a seven minute walk from tyson's II, a fifteen minute walk from tyson's I. all the cheesecake factory, maggiano's, and p.f. chang's i can eat. :P

*sigh* yet still sad...

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

moving out

i saw a place tonight that i liked and couldn't walk away from it without knowing i could have it. i'm going back tomorrow evening to sign the lease.

the one thing that saddens me the most? leaving my dog. my parents have always threatened to get rid of her if we left. as long as i was here, those threats never surfaced, but now that i've decided to move out, i don't know what will happen to her. my parents are leaving for korea in two weeks and won't be back for a month. i can always come by every day and see to her needs, but what about after my parents get home? what then? it kills me to think i won't ever see her again. she's been a part of my life since i was 15. i've grown so attached to her. when i used to come home for the weekend when i was in college, she was the first one i had to see as soon as i walked in the door. i'm going to miss her so much. :'(

i sent a text message to my brother, letting him know what was happening over the next few weeks and that he needs to figure something out for her. technically she is his dog, and he has never taken care of her. i've been the one to feed her, wash her, take her out to play, take her to the vet - she's the very needy little sister i never had. the thought of leaving her behind is making me cry...

at the same time, i am very excited that i am leaving. i will miss this house, it has been my home for 17 years. i've grown up in this house. but it's time for me to leave. i'm 24, i need my own space, and i need my own life. the plans i came up with for my life when i was 18 haven't quite worked out the way i wanted, but i'll make do with what i've got and hope things start to happen. maybe i won't have to give up my dreams...


i love you, baby girl. i'm going to miss you. <3

i've cried enough this week.

Monday, August 22, 2005

xmas wishlist

i'm depressed and i'm bored. that gave me time to think about what i want for xmas. i'll probably end up buying it all for myself anyway.

(check right side module)

mike is stalking me

i had a conversation with mike. i learned:

mike: i also stalked your name off that flickr site
me: you stalk me a lot
mike: yea sorry bad habit

:: a testament to my awesomeness::
mike: so after you and jacob left, it was no fun
me: sorry i had bigger things to do ;)
mike: yea yea

*sigh* i miss my summer job... the lack of accountability is so seductive.

Friday, August 19, 2005

fall plans

well, i think i'm going to move out sometime in the next several weeks. maybe by october. this is one place i'm looking at this weekend: look at that place. it looks like a resort. :) it's only 5 miles from work, which is a huge plus. i'm checking out another place in falls church. it's also 5 miles from work, but it's closer to bailey's xroads. i like the first place better because it's north of work, meaning i'll be that much closer to ryan. :D

let's see when this happens.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

you're still the one

you're still the one i run to, the one that i belong to.
you're still the one i want for life.
you're still the only that i love, the only one i dream of.
you're still the one i kiss goodnight... <3

it sucks to be sad, but we get through it.

i love you.

Sunday, August 14, 2005


life is confusing. you expect something, but it doesn't happen the way you want. or things happen that shouldn't, but there's no way of stopping them.

people are confusing. their mouths say one thing, but their actions say something completely different. you want to believe their mouths, but actions speak louder than words.

at almost-25, should i still be this unsure of myself? -__-

where am i headed? do i let go of everything i want to keep what i have?

a veces, no entiendo nada...

my last day

"when is your last day? you keep coming here." ~jacob :P

i went to PEI on thursday and friday. thursday i finished orientation at 11:30, so i met everyone for lunch at five guys. (i talked with mike about his job search, it sounded like good news, but as of yesterday, it still seemed uncertain. i hope everything works out for him.) later i went with everyone back to work. mike needed to make some phone calls, so i helped him out with his class. i read and discussed an article with them, which was completely over their heads. mike and i ended up just hanging out with the kids for the last hour.

friday i drove over at 3:00 after orientation, and we all went out for happy hour. janet was supposed to come, but she forgot. mike's gf kaitlyn (caitlyn?) came. anyway, we had so much fun making jokes about our waiter, who was really weird. what we figured were his attempts at being funny just seemed really rude. just the highlights of our awesome hour:
- daniel's five glasses of fruit punch (hahaha...)
- $MR$CHIP ("you guys should grow up")
- jacob trying to drink out of the water pitcher ("man, you can't do that!")
- story about hippie mike :P
- making fun of mr. jeong
- "hey, where's ben?"
- david and jacob simultaneously hitting their heads on the overhead lamps

dude... life will be so boring without seeing them everyday. :P i hope i can get there next friday. we totally need to take a goofy group pic. throwing gang signs or something, haha.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

six flags

small park, but a lot of fun. :) i ended up spending the whole day with mike, dj, and david. halfway through the day, all our kids wanted to go to the water park, so we ditched them and went on rides. we are such awesome chaperones! :P we had a lot of fun. mike and i mostly talked about work and his options. we also ended up having to pay for our lunches because there weren't enough vouchers for some reason.

the low point of the day was finding out raymond's bookbag was stolen. he was so upset, it was hard for the rest of us to know what to do or say. there really wasn't much we could do for him except give him some company while he walked around. we stuck around for about half an hour longer than we planned because we had to figure out how we were going to bring back the kids that he had driven. it all worked out, though. raymond's brother was going to drive up there with the spare key for his car, but raymond just wanted to get his camera and ipod back. i feel so bad for him... i hope there's some good news tomorrow.

anyway, i didn't get to take any pictures because our group was so big, and they were just scattered all the time. oh well. i've taken plenty up to now. :)

i'm going to miss you guys!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005


well, yesterday was my last official day of teaching. it was sad. *sigh* some of the kids kept saying, "Noooo!" and asking me to stay. :P liars, all of you!

i went today after i finished with the HR orientation. the kids were all standing in the front entrance, and they swarmed me as soon as i walked in. all the teachers looked exhausted. raymond and mike said it had been absolutely chaos today. see what happens when i'm not there? ;) i chatted with the teachers, and we figured out tomorrow's trip to six flags.

i'm going to miss working with everyone. :)

The goofy gang

man, we're hot.

and these are my girls:

My girls

Sunday, August 07, 2005

surviving the eastern shore

awesome weekend, despite having been on the eastern shore. ;)

thursday... we got there around 4:30ish. hit some traffic on the way up (on WW bridge), coasted the rest of the way. we got a little lost in the area where the inn was because the street signs were confusing or just not there. :P we figured it all out though. we showered because we were pretty nasty from the hot drive. then we walked around and checked out what there was to do. evidently, not much, haha. everything was closed. we ended up getting dinner at safeway (giant sub, two sparkling waters). turned in for the night.

friday... got up early and ate an awesome breakfast. quiche, coffee cake, fruit, cereal, fresh OJ... seriously, quiche?? i'm going to miss the breakfast. we did some more walking around. we stopped at the Old Towne Creamery and got some ice cream. i got to see another asian girl, so it was fun. :P i didn't feel so alone. we checked out a chocolate shop, i was very tempted but didn't end up buying any. we went back and took a nap. then we had dinner at Legal Spirits. food was delicious. :) we eventually went back to safeway to get something to drink. it started to pour while we were in there, so we had to wait it out. the rain slowed after about 20 minutes. we got strawberries and cool whip too... and ate all of it in one sitting. :D we hung out for a couple hours, then called it a night.

saturday... another awesome breakfast. no quiche, but there were these yummy little sausage things. we made fun of the other couple at breakfast, then checked out the farmer's market. ryan got some hot sauce and marinade, and some white peaches. then we drove up to st. michael's (it's a little town west of easton). we walked around a bit, made fun of people. there were these iron things sticking out of the ground by the water. i wanted to bend over next to one of them (with my butt on one of the pointy ends), but there were too many people around. :P i don't think ryan would have let me do that anyway. (party pooper.) we had lunch at The Crab Claw restaurant. there was a bit about it on food network, so i wanted to try it. we ordered a dozen steamed crabs and got through ten of them. :D so yummy. i'd do it again, it was so worth it. we got back, relaxed for a while, then had dinner downstairs. that was THE fanciest dinner i've ever had. all complicated. went upstairs afterward, hung out, went to bed. :)

Too hot

The Crab Claw

I got crabs!

drove home sunday morning after breakfast (again, hardy and so yummy!). uneventful. i fell asleep on the couch watching family guy with ryan. oh, ryan got me this gorgeous watch. he's a mind reader - my other watch died. :P it's really cool, it recharges in the light. and he got me... something else, i can't really share. ;) i got him The Hitchhiker's Guide and both Family Guy box sets. :)

ah... i'll miss that big fluffy bed and the clawfoot tub. ;)

i love you <3 happy anniversary...

Thursday, August 04, 2005

automatic vacation response

going away for the weekend with ryan. :) be good, kids. back sunday.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

did you hear?

my old man is 24 today! :D

hey old man... i love you. ;)

no, really, i love you. <3 :)

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

august 2, 2005

happy 2nd anniversary... <3

Sunday, July 31, 2005

so sick -__-

ryan came down to spend the afternoon, but i ended up getting really sick. :\ shortly after he arrived, i had my head in the toilet, puking up my breakfast. :X we went and saw "wedding crashers," but i really wasn't paying attention. i kept tasting the acid in my throat every time i swallowed. i sent him home around 6:30, i felt so bad. :(

i miss you... i hate that we spend more time apart than together...

this will be a great week though. on thursday we leave for our anniversary weekend. :) <3 i can't wait.

the run-down

well, i just got home from anupama's wedding. it was fun. :) very energetic at the end, hehe.

Indian bride

it was at foxchase manor in manassas. the place is huge! but too cold. :P


omg, aren't we the cutest? ;) i have to admit i look really good here. (not to mention my boobs look enormous.)

Say cheese

some other random pics:

from friday...

peace out. (i think that ghostly image by my face is actually my phone. i was swinging it around on my finger at one point, it might have been this one.)


here i am with two of my favorite girls:

Me and the girls

ryan thought it would be funny to take a picture of me brushing out my curls. silly boy. (ooh, nice handprint on the mirror. i need to clean.)


damn yo, look at that perfectly done hair. ;)

Kathy says

i'm not vain. really. :D

Saturday, July 30, 2005

tales of the funny, the sad, and the weird

what a full week it's been...

1. the saddest thing that happened this week was someone stealing nick's game cartridge from his gameboy. according to nick, after lunch he placed his gameboy on the table and he sat on the floor to play cards with a group of boys. josh (his brother) saw the gameboy, handed it to him, and told him to put it away. nick put it back on the table and said he would put it away later. about 10-15 minutes later, nick reached for the gameboy but the cartridge was gone. he came up to me with his gameboy, looking like he was going to cry. "ms. kim, someone stole my game."

the teachers and i turned that place upside down looking for it. i got all the kids into their classrooms, and i had them all dump their bookbags and empty their pockets. nothing. i called kathy and told her what was going on, and she asked that i gather all the kids by the kitchen and do another dump. i had ben take care of the older kids out there, mike and raymond searched their kids in the classroom. i had some of the boys help me gather up all the trash bins, and i searched them with my hands. it was the most digusting thing i've ever done. do you have any idea what's in those trash bins after lunch? gross. but i did it anyway. the bookbag and trash searches turned up nothing.

the kids went back to class, but the other teachers and i were still really upset. why would anyone steal a game from nick?? we stopped classes and did another search. i helped ben with the older kids, mike and raymond did theirs, nothing turned up. as the kids went back to class, i checked the bathrooms, the outside bathrooms, under bookshelves, behind plants, everywhere. nothing. i told nick we had done our best, but someone was hiding it and we didn't know what to do.

around 2:00 raymond pulled me out of class and said he had found the game. on a hunch, he had gone into the boys' bathroom and looked under the trash bin. there it was. he was so angry. he paced the hallway for a few minutes. he went from class to class, talking with each boy individually, but no one confessed. we called mike out and we decided that we had to sit the kids down and let them know how disappointed we were about this incident. they lost all their lunch privileges, so they have to eat in their own classrooms, no wandering, no computer lab, no gameboys, no cards.

the sit-down with the kids went really well. considering it was the 2nd time that one of the kids had lied to us (the first time being the "Dirty" incident), we had to let them know that we were dead serious and they were not going to get off scott free. we all did a pretty good job of expressing our disappointment (with the exception of ben - explanation to follow), and i think the kids understood that this was no laughing matter.

okay, so here's what happened with ben during this whole time. during the first bookbag dump, he was yelling at the kids to be quiet and throwing their stuff on the floor. unacceptable. during the second dump, he literally picked up each bag, held it upside down, and dumped everyone on the floor. he got papers, books, and pencils scattered everywhere. the kids were so upset. he didn't flinch and told them to hurry up and pick up their things. during the third dump, i had the kids line up in front of me and ben for searches. all i did was open the bags, stick my hand in and search around, and only open pockets that looked suspicious. meanwhile, he continued dumping and throwing. kids migrated to my line. there was no need for him to take it out on the kids like that. he needs to learn to keep his temper under control and understand that scaring or pissing the kids off doesn't help our cause.

during the sit-down, he butted in with something about integrity and "a man's word." i think we all rolled our eyes. he always does that - says something that the kids won't understand, in a way that's even hard for us to understand. he just loves bringing in his marine background into everything he does and says. it wasn't necessary, and it was inappropriate. he has to keep things simple and straightforward.

anyway, we didn't tell the kids we had found the game. we pulled nick and josh aside at the end of the day and told them not to tell anyone we had found it. nick was so happy when he got it back. i was glad to see him smile again. if i ever find out who took the game and stashed it in the bathroom, i am going to give him a piece. he'd better hope and pray.


look at that face! how could anyone do such a thing?!

2. raymond and sandy began carpooling this week. sandy also has a "boyfriend" named scott. ;) hehe.

3. on thursday, before classes started, i was at the front desk, and ben was sitting across from me, talking to kelly, one of the little girls. i don't remember what they were talking about, but all of a sudden i heard him say, "i'm way cuter than mr. wolf." i had to turn away so he wouldn't see me laugh. i had to keep it quiet. i told kathy about that yesterday. she was like, "what?! no one says that about my mr. wolf." hahaha. ben always says things like that. that just makes me bring it up even more. "oh, mike, i think kathy has a crush on you. she said you were so handsome again." ;)

4. yesterday, we had pajama day again. ugh, the day ended up being ALL ABOUT BEN, as usual. he got on my nerves as soon as i walked in. he said he was going to watch "school of rock" with the kids. i told him it was inappropriate since he was going to be with the 2nd graders. he argued that there was nothing bad in the movie and that it was funny. i reminded him of the opening scene (jack black wakes up with a bad hangover), and the mention of pot later in the movie. i told him that was more than enough reason not to show that movie because i didn't want to have to explain what a hangover was. he said, "oh, then send them to me, i'll come up with some lie." yea, way to handle that, ben.

then he started asking my kids if they wanted to see "school of rock." of course, some of them had no idea what it was, so they wanted to see it. i told them it was inappropriate and that we had already agreed to watch "napoleon dynamite." ben started arguing with me. he said he was going to find a way for them to watch it, whether or not i approved.

i told kathy that she needed to tell ben not to show that movie. she frowned and asked, "why doesn't he know what's okay and what's not okay?" yea, i can't tell you that either.

so he ended up watching "spider-man 2" with the 1st-3rd graders. i watched "napoleon dynamite" with the 4th-8th graders. so ha.

5. during the movie, sandy was in the room with ben. she put a chair in the back of the room and sat down. he pulled a chair up right next to her and sat down. she felt uncomfortable, so she got up and moved to the front with the kids. she laid on the ground and the kids laid on top of her. halfway through, a bunch of the kids left for the bathroom. ben approached her and asked, "do you mind if i join you?" she said she did and asked that he go away. he thought she was kidding and asked why she was being mean. she repeated her answer, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. he laid down, so she got up and left the room. jacob and i were at the front desk, she came over and sat down. she was angry about his actions and told us what happened.

i went to see how my kids were doing (they were supposed to be reading), and ben saw me in the hallway. he said, "where's sandy? i need help with the kids." i told him that she had gone to the bathroom (lie) and had stopped to talk with jacob (mostly truth). i said i would go get her. when i told her he wanted her in the room, she said she wasn't going back. jacob and i laughed because, well, it was funny. :P ben came out to the front and asked sandy what was wrong because she seemed a little nervous. she went off on him. she told him that he shouldn't have laid down after she said she minded and asked him to go away. unapologetically, he said, "oh, well, i'm sorry." he went back to the room.

later he came out front again when sandy had gone to the bathroom or something. he asked jacob what was wrong with sandy. jacob mumbled something and left. when he told me, i was amazed that ben would think there was something wrong with sandy. the real question here is, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, BEN? get a clue. she doesn't like you. no one does. you're weird and creepy. janet talked with you about your behavior before she left. just because she's not here, it doesn't mean you can start being creepy again. it's called SEXUAL HARRASSMENT.

anyway, sandy never went back to the room. kathy came back at 12 with the pizzas. after all the kids got their food, ben left for mcdonald's, and i told kathy what happened. she was upset and asked sandy if she wanted to sit down with ben and talk with him in front of her. sandy said she thought it would be okay, but that if he did it one more time, she'd let kathy know.

6. i think it was monday, or maybe last week, but one day sandy was getting ready to leave at 3:30. she started walking back to her room to get her things, ben saw her and said, "wait, i'm going home too." he got his things too, and i saw them walking to the door together. kathy stopped sandy and said she needed to talk to her. they went back to the conference room, and ben stood by the front desk, flipping through a magazine. i was sitting at the desk, just watching to see what he would do. the kids i drive home brought their card game out front and were playing on the floor. mike was tutoring one of his kids, and he came out front to xerox something. he saw ben and asked, "what are you still doing here?" ben said, "oh i'm going to leave soon." mike left. i didn't say a word, just continued to watch him. i pretended to be doing other things.

now, i knew why he was still there. he was waiting for sandy. around 4, he asked me what kathy and sandy were talking about. i told him i didn't know (truth), but that it was probably about some of the students in her class. he nodded and went back to reading a magazine. at 4:15, sandy and kathy came out of the conference room. there was the usual exchange of "see you tomorrow's", and ben followed sandy out. as they were leaving, i made eye contact with kathy and whispered in korean, "don't let her leave yet, he's been waiting for her." immediately, she called sandy back in. by that time, ben had already gotten out the front door. sandy came back in, but he had no choice but to leave. coming back in would have looked suspicious and made his intentions obvious. i laughed about it as she came back in. she said, "i have no idea why he keeps doing that." we chatted a little about the inappropriate things he was doing, and sandy expressed how uncomfortable he made her.

seriously, what reason would he possibly have for waiting 45 minutes for sandy? they don't drive in the same direction. 45 minutes?? why? i just don't understand him. i think sandy has made it pretty clear that she doesn't want anything to do with him, but he has utterly failed to pick up on her signals. how dense. ugh. at least it makes for a good laugh the next day at lunch. you know, before ben joins us.

and that concludes the week.

oh yea, ryan left work early yesterday and came to see me at work. :D well, kathy too, because she missed him. ;) even some of the kids stayed late just to meet him, how cute. :) so check it out, me and my boy:


went and saw ken's house yesterday. it was nice. a little on the small side, but big enough for a single guy.

anyway, anupama's wedding tonight! :D

Sunday, July 24, 2005

let's keep swimming

we took the kids to planet splash 'n play on friday, and it was so much fun! ^_^ i didn't take my bathing suit initially because i hadn't planned on going in the water. but all the kids kept asking me to go in (plus i wanted to get cody to go in the water), so i drove all the way home to get my bathing suit. i was pretty self-conscious at first, but once i got in the water and got drenched, it was okay. :P

yea, so as soon as i got in the water, mike, raymond, and jacob came up behind me (without my knowledge) and splashed me mercilessly. :P then they ran away. it took me a few seconds to figure out who had done it, but i knew right away because they were laughing on the other side of the pool. i wasn't able to get back at them, but i'll find a way. (okay so maybe i probably deserved that from raymond ever since the whole candy incident at the bowling alley, but mike and jacob will pay. ;) such nice boys... so deceiving.)

yesterday, i went with ryan to a water park by his place. it wasn't as fun and exciting because there were so many kids, and it was just a regular pool with a slide. maybe i can get him to go to splash 'n play today. :D

oh yes, i got myself a bear yesterday at build-a-bear. i got one for victoria too. :)

Thursday, July 21, 2005


baby, i miss you...


also, emperor penguin babies are so cute. ^_^ i want one. yay!

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

a little relief

what a day:

1. mike went to the emergency room this morning, so daniel came in to cover for him. fortunately, mike will be okay. :)

2. janet talked to ben. i think he took it extremely well, as he didn't really let on. i didn't feel as uncomfortable around him, which makes working less stressful. i hope he learns from this experience.

3. it took 40 minutes to get a TB screening, which lasted all of 30 seconds. ugh.

4. jacob got a nice surprise from grace and jiwon to make up for their rudeness yesterday. aww. :)

5. i have bigger calves than raymond, a soccer player. -__-

i'm so tired...

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

a few of these, please

so cute. ^_^ i can't wait to have my own.

The world outside
Victoria loves standing at our back door and watching our dog. Last week, she learned to say "mung," which is the onomatopoeic word for dog. Last weekend, she learned to say "may," my dog's name. :) too cute.

So pretty!
Another thing she learned was to use a comb. I wasn't here for this one, but it looks like she's doing pretty well.

Victoria also learned how to use zippers.

Let's read
She's taken an interest in books, which is always fun. :) Now she won't tear and pound on the pages of the books she has.

Watching TV
Watching TV!

Look at me!
Okay, so she didn't learn to play the piano, but it's a start. ;) She pounded on the keys with her hands until my dad showed her how to use her fingers. She's so smart.

Friday, July 15, 2005

eff - are - eye - dee - ay - why

well, today was just... wow. how many times did i make eye contact with mike because of ben's inappropriate behavior? i lost count after 5. that boy is really going to cross the line one of these days and get himself into some serious trouble.

"oh my god, he is so annoying. i need a cigarette break." ~janet


well, janet only has another week of enduring his weirdness. she has to go back to work the last week of this month because her school is on a modified calendar. we'll all miss her. :)

new uniform! haha... oh man.

oh yea, one more thing...

happy 24th birthday CHI! love ya, miss ya... <3

Thursday, July 14, 2005

homer says

"now i have four children. you will be called... stitch face."


*sigh* i needed that laugh. :)

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

one big huff

i can't believe it's only wednesday. i'm so worn out already. o_O

i had told my girls the way mike and i felt about ben. in turn, the girls asked mike if what i had told them was true. :P i walked into mike's room at the end of the day, and he said, "you can't trust them with anything." hehe. all the girls - especially esther and sammy - are starting to feel really uncomfortable around ben. he singled out esther this morning during the meeting because she had pantsed one of the boys. (it happened in my room, his pants never came down past his butt, and only the older kids were in the room.) i thought ben overreacted by doing that, and so did mike. ben thought it was completely reasonable. (i roll my yes so much lately.) he's been really friendly with sammy, maybe a little too friendly. she tells me about how uncomfortable he makes her, especially with some of the comments he makes. he said something about how he's attracted to hispanic girls, and that sammy looks hispanic. (she doesn't.) he touched her leg to get her attention yesterday, which was really inappropriate, considering she was sitting less than 2 feet away from him. then she told her she needs to come earlier and stay late so he can tutor her in spanish. not necessary considering he WON'T BE TEACHING SPANISH.

i switched with him in the afternoon because he said he was having a tough time with the three ESL boys he had. i volunteered to switch. well, i worked with them yesterday and i didn't have any trouble with them whatsoever. except for a few times where they refused to speak english, they worked the whole two hours. raymond said he doesn't have a hard time getting them to work either, so i don't know what's going on with ben. i think it just might be that the kids don't want to take him seriously, or they aren't comfortable speaking english the whole time. well, i'm switching back to spanish next week. i'm glad because a lot of the kids taking spanish said he tries to teach too much new information in a short period of time without giving them enough in-class practice. ben said he clicked with them instantly and that things just rolled well, but that seems to contradict what the students said. i'm a little more willing to believe the students since there are more of them, and i know they wouldn't lie to me. i've known brian for a year now, and i know he wouldn't make things up. well, it'll be good to be back there with them. as hard as they can make it sometimes, i prefer being with them.

we're going to six flags next friday. the girls seemed excited, even more so when they learned that ben wasn't going. :X anyway, i think it'll be fun. we decided that the youngest group wouldn't be allowed to go unless each child came with his/her parent. a lot of them wanted to know why a parent had to come. i feel bad that they want to go but probably can't because no one can go with them. :\ well, hopefully they won't feel like they've been denied anything. we'll be going to planet splash and play in a couple weeks, so they can have some water park fun there. :) mike and i will probably take the older kids. they all want to go with us because they know we'll let them enjoy their time without ruling with iron fists. i'm taking them on all the coasters. :D

*sigh* so tired... maybe a nap?

Monday, July 11, 2005

black ranger!!

lately my cousins have been blogging about the US version of naruto. (cartoon? i'm so not hip.) anyway, apparently johnny yong bosch is doing the voice of naruto.

JOHNNY YONG BOSCH! ^_^ (for those out of the loop, he was adam park, the black ranger on the power rangers in the 90s.)

*sigh* how i loved him.

i am a huge dork.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

happy birthday!

happy first birthday, sweet victoria. :D

Friday, July 08, 2005


so we took the kids bowling today. i didn't participate, but i did cheer and jeer. ;) raymond, ben, and mike really got into it with the kids. they really had a lot of fun. one successful friday down... 6 more to go.

after most of the kids left, we (me, mike, jacob, raymond, and janet) went out for drinks. well, janet and mike drank, the rest of us stayed sober. ;) we just talked about how things have been going and did some "getting to know" chatting. "it was an accident." haha.

ah well... here's to the weekend. victoria's first birthday tomorrow. i probably need to stop by PEI on sunday and fix those computers for raymond's class. yay how exciting. -__-

hope everyone has a great weekend.

ooh yea, more pics posted.

Just the girls

Boys just wanna have fun

Thursday, July 07, 2005

the world is a scary place

i turned on the radio and it took me a few minutes to figure out what was going on. elliot was talking about something in london. when i finally put the pieces together, i got that strange feeling in the back of my throat again. not because i was scared... but because i was sad.

i don't know anyone in london. i never knew anyone in nyc. but it's still hard to pretend that i'm not affected by either event. even madrid last year. has the world really come to this? my dad is really angry about it, he's been condemning ALL OF ISLAM AND THE MIDDLE EAST. he has a tendency to overreact. i don't understand why london was targeted by extremists because it's a relatively quiet city in international affairs. they've had their share of terrorism from their northern neighbors. i don't know which is worse.

i've been hearing so many theories on the news. they chose england because they can't get past american customs. they planned it to coincide with the opening of the g8 summit. it was the french, angry over their failure to secure the olympic games. (right.) i don't think americans are overreacting by heightening security - it's a natural reaction, especially in our post-9/11 world. i'm not bothered by it - in fact, i almost called my parents this morning when i got to work to tell them to stay out of the city. i work just down the road from dulles international - who knows what kind of affect an attack there would have on outlying areas?

i'm not paranoid, just really saddened by the state of our world.

sometimes, i think our world really is coming to an end...

.o0((condolences to the brits and others who lost loved ones today.))0o.

it does make my life seem that much more insignificant.

work has been really stressful this week. i got two new students in the morning, and one in the afternoon. the morning kids i can deal with because they're half asleep most of the time. but the kids i have for spanish on tues/thurs have been so unruly this week. i'm in some unbelievable pain right now from all the stress today. my shoulders ache - as much as they would had i been hauling 50-lb. rice bags all day. (haha, i made a funny.) ben's going to take over spanish next week, while i do his ESL class. i'm fine with it. ben and raymond have both given up on them because they're so unattentive and unwilling to work. i'm not sure how much better i would be. *sigh*

also, we lost another computer to the superb computing skills of the kids. with three out of commission, the kids were fighting for time on the computers. i had one of the older boys, brian, act as lab monitor, making the kids take turns every 15 minutes. then yesterday, we discovered that someone had vandalized raymond's room with the whiteboard eraser. he/she had taken the eraser and written "Dirty" on the wall, then rubbed it all along the wall below the board. everyone denies knowing anything about it. so i had all the kids come to the kitchen area for a little sit-down. i told them that we needed to know who did it. he/she did not have to admit to it right then, but he/she should tell a teacher or kathy later during the day. the computer lab would be closed indefinitely if no one came forward. by 3pm, no one had confessed. raymond tried to reinstall XP on one of the three computers, but for some reason, it wasn't connecting to the internet (or maybe it just wasn't recognizing the connection). well, that just means i'll have to take a look at it. i am the resident computer fixer. um. considering the number of times i've had to reinstall XP on my machine, that's a little funny. :P

well, we're going bowling tomorrow. that should be nice and chaotic. i'm not bowling. i'd rather just watch and keep the kids out of trouble. and then... happy hour! :D or rather, "jessica sitting at a table while the rest of them drink" hour. :P

hmm... what to do about my aching shoulders?

Tuesday, June 28, 2005


well, the summer's off to a good start. (i think.) :P

i'm working with some really cool people, so it should be fun. mike, ben, raymond, janet (my cousin), and i have been spending an hour or so after work just venting and talking about our days. since we're all relatively close in age, we get along pretty well. today, janet suggested we go out for happy hour after work sometime. ben and raymond can't (they're 19), and i don't drink. :P janet said it wouldn't be any fun with just mike. ;) i said i'd go even if i didn't drink, but having one could be fun, hehe. well another thing holding me back was the fact i have to give two kids a ride home every afternoon, but kathy told me i didn't have to on thursdays, so i can go out with the teachers.

hmm, the teachers... well, ben looks like ryan, and it's a little awkward for me. :P i keep crossing my arms when i'm around him because i always get this urge to put my arm around him. :X not because i want to, it's just instinctive with ryan. mike's also really good-looking - he looks like a frat boy. :P a little on the skinny side. i think some of the girls think he's cute too. raymond's asian, so... haha. :) it's nice to be working with attractive people - i've got lots to look at when i'm at work. :P

but i told ryan, no one sets my pants on fire like he does. :D <3

my kids are pretty good. i have the rising 8th/9th graders, so i don't really have behavior issues. just ringing cell phones which i confiscate. mike takes them for social studies, but i have most of them for spanish. i've got two of the younger kids in my spanish class too, and i was so surprised at how well they picked it up. they were actually better than the older kids. i'm so proud of them. :) they're so cute. i really like the kids this year. i can't say there are any i don't like. well, there's one kid from last year, he's still his really annoying self. i can deal with him... he's a little afraid of me. :P

ah... have to do some planning for tomorrow...

Friday, June 24, 2005

teachers don't get paid enough

who knew DC teachers got paid so much? maybe i should be teaching in DC.

on second thought, it's not worth the risk. :P i'd rather be cozy in a suburban school.

to do summer 2005

in no particular order:
  • sign my FCPS contract
  • watch "Land of the Dead" (Simon Baker!)
  • watch "Bewitched"
  • reread Paradise Lost
  • go to Six Flags
  • go to Busch Gardens
  • go to Anupama's wedding!
  • Victoria's 1st birthday :D
  • celebrate ryan's 24th birthday
  • weekend get-away with ryan ;) <3
  • stay sane during the summer program
  • look, don't touch (boys at work)
  • lose another 15 lbs. :P
  • weekend road trip to... wherever!
  • make a lot of $$$
  • wear my bathing suit at least once ;)
i'm sure i'll think of more...

Wednesday, June 22, 2005


well, i finally got my period yesterday. i'm a week late. ryan said he would have been worried under different circumstances. :P i called dr. b, but she was completely baffled. well, at least i'm not bleeding between expected periods.

this is turning into a long week. i had a hectic day yesterday. i found out that the registrar's office hadn't received my application for graduation. :O well, i got it all taken care of, so i should be straight by the end of this week. i've also got a lot to get done before the summer program starts on monday. (yay i get an entire weekend before going back to work! *grumble*)

i've had no appetite for the past few days. the thought of food makes me nauseous. i had no problems eating some cereal this morning. bland foods don't make me gag too much. today's dinner will be a cup of yogurt and a banana. hooray for my weird broken body.

okay, time to work.

Monday, June 20, 2005

my heart yearns for you...

in six weeks, i'll find myself spending the weekend here: the inn at easton. the occasion? it's a two-in-one weekend: ryan's 24th birthday and our two-year anniversary. :)

the next six weeks will be long... <3

Friday, June 17, 2005

busy friday

i've kept myself pretty busy today, but it felt good to be doing things just for me. it's been a while.

i went this morning to meet with medina again. she gave me the english 9 lit book to look over. we talked a little about some particulars. i saw sue in the hallway, and she asked if i was going to teach in the fall. apparently medina has told the entire english department. :P

on my way in, i saw one of my students lounging in front of the school. she saw me and jumped up to hug me. :D she was one of the students i feared would fail english and be held back. fortunately, she said she passed english. hooray for her. (the student i saw on wednesday had failed english... he had a C when i left.)

i went shopping up in leesburg too. sunday's father's day, so i bought my dad a blue Polo shirt, and i got a pink one for my mom while i was there. i got myself a red Polo t-shirt. then i went to the gap and got a pink smocked babydoll shirt. ;) i picked up a few tanks too. i'm all set for summer. :D i only spent $45 on myself, so i think i did well.

ah yea, i experienced something funny on my way back from leesburg. the parkway out in reston becomes two lanes on either side. the traffic was pretty heavy, and i was lost in a sea of cars at a light. all of a sudden, i see all the cars behind me pull out onto the left shoulder, and the cars in the other lane over into the right shoulder. then i saw the flashing red lights of an emergency vehicle. i followed suit, as did the cars in front of me. as soon as the truck got through the traffic, everyone turned the noses of their cars back into the lanes, almost in unison. it was funny. :P (the truck ended up doing a u-turn at the light and turning off its lights.)

okay, i still have the rest of the day to negotiate...

Thursday, June 16, 2005

virus-laden poo

you might not want to touch it.

and in other news, i just looked over a list that kathy made of who's doing what during the summer. she has me done to do ESL and math. that's not what she originally told me. i hate teaching ESL. hate it, hate it, hate it. that's not what i got my degree in, and that's not what i want to do. ugh. >:( why does she think she can assign me to whatever she wants? i was supposed to teach 7th grade, but she's given that to this other guy who, btw, speaks english with a strong korean accent. he came by yesterday, and i heard her tell him he could choose whatever level he wanted. what? no. i've already put together things for the 7th graders, and i've ordered a few things online that i want to use. i DON'T want to teach ESL, and i don't want to teach algebra. she's also making me take over the 1st grade class halfway through the summer unless i can find someone else. why is that my job to find a teacher? god. if there's anything i've learned from this, never work for Korean people. they will squeeze you for all you're worth and not compensate you for any of it. kathy can forget about asking me to work here after i start working. it's not worth my time. i'm already driving 20 miles to get here. she tried asking me to drive some kids in the summer that live in woodbridge. um, they live closer to dumfries than to dale city. their mom is only willing to shell out $10 a day for rides. $10 for the two hours of driving everyday, sitting in traffic at 7am? i'm korean, i'm not stupid.

kathy relies on me to do so much of her work. well, this will definitely be the last summer i work for her.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

you should die

to the asswipe on the green motorcycle who cut me off today:

had you decided to cut across all four lanes and dive in front of me in the right turn lane just half a second later, my car would have sucked you under.

asswipe, the light was red. being on a motorcycle does not give you permission to drive however the fuck you want. straddle lanes, fine. weave through four lanes of traffic and come out from in front of a truck?

i honked at you, so you decided to ride at 10mph to piss me off, right? dude. rev your motor all you want, but my little car could so beat up your little bike.

asswipe, i hope you die today.


Tuesday, June 14, 2005


meeting with the principal on wednesday.
working with my cousin this summer.

in other news:

dot dot dot . . .

Friday, June 10, 2005

almost there

the hiring process has begun... fingers crossed. :)

last week was our 22-month anniversary. :D just seven more weeks until we celebrate two years. i want to go somewhere nice that weekend - ryan's supposed to surprise me. i've been looking at some really gorgeous inns on the eastern shore, and i showed ryan a few that i had really liked. :) i'm looking forward to our get-away.

i probably should have gone shopping today. i need to get something for father's day. i guess i can go next weekend. i wanted to go look at rings again too. i want to get my parents wedding bands for their anniversary this year, but i haven't seen any that i really like yet.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

life is ordinary

there hasn't been much going on. i try to keep myself occupied.

last weekend, i saw mr. slocumb with some of his kids at springfield plaza. i recognized him right away, and he saw me too. one big happy reunion, yay! he's awesome. he was my one of my favorite teachers - and the orchestra teacher i actually liked. i told him i'd visit soon. school's going to be out in two weeks, i should squeeze in a visit.

i also banged up my right knee. that entire leg is going to be useless in a few years. i blacked out for a second while i was walking to the kitchen and fell flat on my face. i landed really hard on my right knee. i almost fell again that same day, while i was in my room. hmm... i told ryan that there's something wrong with my inner ear. (i think i might have said middle... i'm such a crackhead.) my right hip is still giving me problems. i'm determined i'm beyond repair at this point. :X

celebrate fairfax this weekend. that's probably all i'll do, unless ryan had something else in mind.

Friday, June 03, 2005

i can't sleep

i've worn myself out tonight... but sleep eludes me. my head, my heart - swimming with emotions i can't control. i have to be up in five and a half hours...

tom's car was in the driveway when i pulled in. i knew he had come to pick up more of his things - clothes, some shoes, little things from his room. as i walked to the front door, the only thing i could think to say was, "did you get your mail?"

it couldn't have been more than two minutes after that that i looked out the window and he was gone. it's been a month since i've seen him, and those trifling words about mail were all i could utter?

it triggered something inside - deep inside - and i cried as soon as i got to my room. that was 7:45. i've been crying since. there's just so much i think and feel about him that goes unsaid. i don't know what to do with it all except keep it stuffed into some hole in my heart.

how could i have failed him so terribly?
why did i fail him?

i think about him every day. it's hard not to. he's a part of me that picked up and left without a word. never called on graduation day. didn't even say bye today. it's depressing. he's been on my mind a lot lately, and it's like everything i do, everywhere i go, everyone i see reminds me of him.

it hurts.

the other night, ryan and i were talking about kids... names, how many. he said he only wanted two because that was a good number for him. i want more, but he said four was too many. one of the reasons he gave for wanting just two was he only had one sibling and it worked out nicely. i countered that it doesn't always work out - like tom and i.

at that point, i couldn't think of any way to describe to him how empty i've felt because i didn't really have a brother. how do you explain that to someone who has a good relationship with his sister? i probably would have started crying if i hadn't stopped myself. how did my life turn out this way? why do i still feel so alone?

because my true other half is missing...

i remember the first time i truly felt like i had failed him. and i remember what i said to him. why hadn't i been more understanding?

i am hurting.
and i can't make it stop.

does he hate me?
is he angry?

Thursday, June 02, 2005


i have my accounts with wachovia, so this article interested me:

"Wachovia apologizes for slavery ties"

why does anyone seem surprised to learn that companies started in the 1800s employed people or were started by people that owned slaves? i fail to see the reason behind this public disclosure. too little, too late, no? at this point in time, there isn't anything that wachovia can do about acquired institutions being associated with slavery. it just doesn't make any sense to me. that these two companies acquired by wachovia used to hold slaves doesn't change the way wachovia handles their business now.

i don't know, things like this frustrate me. not to trivialize an important part of this country's history, but how does public acknowledgement of past wrongdoing make anything better (in this situation)? it's one thing for the government to acknowledge and apologize for slavery, but it seems absurd for financial institutions to say, "hey we had slaves a long time ago. we're sorry."

maybe there's more to this that i'm just not seeing...

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

time flies

this is a short week for me. no work on monday (obviously), no work on friday (as usual), and no work next monday (the kids don't have school). :D

i had a great weekend, though. i saw ryan on friday, saturday, AND sunday. how awesome is that? we had dinner at the cheesecake factory. the food was sooo good, and we had the best cheesecake i've tasted. we definitely had to walk it off afterwards. ;) on sunday, i helped him get his laundry done, but mostly we watched tv (lots of SVU) and played. :D

this weekend is springfield days. it'll be nice to spend some time outside this weekend. it's been a while since we've been outside - last time was HFStival three weeks ago. next weekend is celebrate fairfax, maybe we can hit that up too. :) so much i want to do, and never enough time in the world to do it! i want to go to six flags too - i'm hoping we can get through a day there without ryan feeling sick. :P

i've got a lot of free time this week, so i'll probably spend friday picking up a few things i need for ryan's birthday present. it's still two months away, but i need to get it all out of the way. :)

well, off to work, then to see ryan tonight. :) can't believe it's already wednesday!

Monday, May 23, 2005


i've been depressing myself by watching "maxim's hot 100" on vh1. :X well, no more of that.

it's monday? ugh. i can't wait until the summer program starts. i really don't like the work i'm doing - the kids are just... ugh. another four weeks of this, blah.


[edit] i almost forgot - happy birthday, mary. :)

Sunday, May 22, 2005

it's official

i have my master's. :)

Graduation - Me 3 Graduation - Parents

and the best part, ryan came to see me walk. :D

Graduation - Ryan

and my little cousin came! :P

Graduation - Me & Victoria

ah, it's been a good day. :) (anupama - congrats! i'm going to miss you! :P we have to learn to deal with the separation anxiety, hehe.)

Friday, May 20, 2005



just breathe...

Thursday, May 19, 2005

[something creative]

it's thursday, which means only two more days before i graduate. :) *sigh* i'm glad i'm done.

ryan came over last night. we went for a walk around the neighborhood. we were approaching the corner by stephanie's house when her dogs went crazy. these three kids were also out with their dog, and they let it run toward stephanie and her dogs. her two dogs started barking and biting each other. i felt like i should have at least offered to help her (we were friends in the distant past), but i didn't. :X we didn't exactly leave off on a good note, i didn't know what her reaction would have been.

anyway, we got dessert at pizzeria uno. i forget what it was called, but it was a huge chocolate chip cookie topped with a scoop of vanilla ice cream and whipped cream. it was yummy! :D i can think of one way that would have made it even yummier (...hehe...).

whoa i'm watching "modern marvels" on the history channel and they're talking about various flight disasters in history. they just showed some of the tests they conducted after the columbia exploded - they shot a piece of foam at a wing, and it blew a huge hole through the wing. :O that made the nasa investigators stop saying it had nothing to do with the foam. (this is such a non-sequitur.)

okay, off to get ready for my day.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

belated HFStival pix

okay so ryan and i went to HFStival on Saturday. it was in baltimore this year (since they're broadcasting from there now). i only took a few pics because it was just too hot to think straight. ;) anyway, i've been too lazy to post these until now:

this is garbage, with shirley manson standing in the middle of the stage. all you can see are her red shoes. :P they were awesome.

They Might Be Giants
this is they might be giants. ryan really likes them, so i'm glad he got to see them. hehe it was funny to hear the crowd start singing when they played "boss of me."

and my favorite moment of the day:
this guy is wearing that PETA shirt with the yellow chick that says "I AM NOT A NUGGET!" he is blissfully eating chicken fingers. haha!

Friday, May 13, 2005

two dates in one night

1. my little cousin is home from uva. (i guess she's not really little anymore, haha, but she'll always be my little cousin.) i haven't seen her since whenever my uncle's birthday was. my my, already done with her second year. i feel old. :P but i'll be one of the young ones getting my M.Ed. next saturday!! anyway, i'm taking her out for dinner tonight - just to catch up and belatedly celebrate her 20th birthday. :)

2. i'm going to see ryan after dinner. sort of like... dessert to top off the evening. ;) i know i'll see him tomorrow, but we'll be at a concert all day, so there won't be time to cuddle and kiss and be cute. :P

i got a lot of sleep last night but i'm still tired. i feel so completely drained. :P but it was so worth all the excitement this week. *sigh*

life is good.

Thursday, May 12, 2005


i'm so unbelievably tired right now. -_- and i have to work until 8 tonight. makes me feel all that much worse.

but at least my interview was great. lots of high-fiving... that's a good sign, right? ;) and medina noticed that i've lost weight. :D i've never had another woman tell me i look good. :P well, anyone really.

*sigh* i want to be in bed.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

nice to know

holy crap, it's a good thing i have a job in the fall.

my parents were going to take me to korea with them. for a month! i couldn't stand to be away from ryan for a month. man, my life really is great right now. :P

i graduate next saturday.
i have a job in the fall.
i will have the house to myself during september!

the only thing i don't have is ryan on my couch. ;)

i got up at 8, and i finished my paper at 12. it's 22 pages. damn. it'll probably cost just as much to print it out. damn. i'm so tired. damn. :D


need more time!

okay so it's like 3:45am, and i'm not done with this paper. :P i'm getting there, i have 13 pages. i didn't like what i had by midnight, so i went back and redid half of it. whee! no. i'm tired as hell, and i think i'm getting sick. my throat hurts. i'm about to get into bed and get about 3 hours of sleep and then plug away at this paper some more. it needs to be done by at least 3:30pm, so i can drive to school and find somewhere to park. :X

anyway, before i go, i just have to say i'm very excited. medina called to let me know that she's hiring me for the fall. yay! i'll be working at falls church high school. i find out the details on thursday morning, and i get to see all my wonderful kids again!

okay time for a nap.

Monday, May 09, 2005

my last week

:) i'm nervous. i'm excited. i'm happy.

it's my last week of class. after wednesday, it'll be official. :)

the catch? my research paper is due wednesday (yes, in two days), and i haven't done any work on it. :X yikes. it's just a case study, but i still want to do well. *sigh*

my hip is still bothering me. the pain subsides and comes back. it came back yesterday. :\ there's not much i can do about it except ride it out. when i went running yesterday morning, i couldn't make it as long as i've been running because it felt like my hip was going to give. i probably won't run for the next few days - mostly because i need to work on my research paper. :P

Sunday, May 08, 2005

happy happy

happy birthday to mom (yesterday).

happy mother's day.

happy birthday to seon yang (tomorrow).

and i'm just happy. :)

Friday, May 06, 2005


i am in so much pain right now... i've been waddling around. :
and happy birthday to gloria!

so this guy mike emailed me about a summer job, so i got him in touch with kathy. kathy said he came to see her on wednesday. apparently he's tall and good-looking. oh boy. :P he asked who i was, and i think kathy tried to play me up. unfortunately, i'm already in love with my own tall, good-looking guy. :) well, the upside is i will have a guy to talk to at work again. last year it was sean - he was fun. i get along better with guys, i'm actually looking forward to working with him. we'll be doing social studies together, yay! :D

time out for another groan of absolute pain. omg. >.< my hip is killing me. waaah, i want to cry.

dr. b called me this morning with some good news. my kidneys and liver are fine, and my glucose tolerance is fine too. however, my biopsy (remember the encounter with a catheter?) showed i'm not producing enough progesterone, so i have to take that in pill form. i also have to take another pill - i don't remember what it's called but it's that diabetes medication i mentioned before. anyway, i hope all this does something to fix me. i hate being broken.

oof... pain. painpainpain.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

more asians please

i found this article on CNN today. haha talk about reinforcing stereotypes. i underlined parts that were funny and commented in blue.

Asians poorly represented on TV

(AP) -- "The King of Queens" is set in a New York City borough where almost one in five residents is Asian American -- yet none of the CBS sitcom's regular characters is Asian. And of the dozens of regular characters in CBS' entire prime-time line-up, not one is Asian. (does anyone even watch that show? who cares.)

At most other networks, the situation is slightly better.

A study of Asian Americans in prime-time television, released Monday, shows that Asians, who make up 5 percent of the U.S. population, play 2.7 percent of regular characters. It also shows virtually no Asian actors are on situation comedies, and the characters they play in dramas tend to have less depth than most regulars, with minimal on-screen time and few romantic roles. (they look funny when they kiss... please refer to any Korean drama.)

"Television is still the place where people get to know other people from other cultures ... if they don't have regular contact with them in real life," said Karen K. Narasaki, president of the National Asian Pacific American Legal Consortium, the Washington-based civil rights group that commissioned the study. "If Asian Americans are absent, it tends to reinforce the stereotypes." (we reinforce those stereotypes on our own, thank you very much.)

The study, conducted by sociologists at the University of California, Los Angeles, examined about seven weeks of prime-time programming on ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox, UPN and the WB. It looked at patterns based on gender, characters' occupations and relationships and whether an actor was a multiracial Asian or wholly Asian.

Since 1999, Narasaki and other NAPALC leaders have been meeting with network executives to push for more Asian representation.

Regular "report cards" on network diversity have been issued by a coalition including NAPALC and other civil rights groups. There has been improvement in some areas but Hispanics and American Indians as well as Asians remain underrepresented, the coalition said in its most recent accounting last fall. (Whites and blacks have a disproportionately high representation, another UCLA study found.)

The scrutiny of minorities among executives, writers and actors was based on extensive anecdotal evidence. The new study provides the most rigorous data yet bolstering their concerns.

"I think we were expecting that there would be a discrepancy between white and Asian actors, just by watching television ourselves over the years," said Nancy Yuen, a UCLA doctoral candidate who headed the analysis. "But we were surprised by the extent of the discrepancy."

She added: "They're rarely on. Even if they're part of the regular cast, it's a subordinate role."

Except for one character on Fox's sketch comedy "MADtv," Asians were found solely in dramatic shows, which tend to focus on workplace settings such as law offices, police precincts and schools. For white characters, the story lines often also flesh out personal details -- family and romantic life -- that contribute to character development. Only two Asian characters in the study were depicted outside their homes, and both were portrayed by biracial actors of Asian and white heritage. (how is this any different than showing blacks as thugs or drug dealers, jews in finance, and hispanics as gangsters?)

With no Asian characters, CBS had the lowest representation of on-screen Asians.

The study "focused on a small slice of the prime-time television landscape, overlooking recurring roles where CBS has made progress in diversifying casts," CBS spokesman Phil Gonzalez said, adding that "Clubhouse," a short-lived television show that aired last fall, featured Dean Cain, an actor whose father is partly Japanese. (dean cain? i don't think any racial group wants to claim him as its own. please. he doesn't even LOOK asian. he doesn't count. although i think we like counting russell wong because he's yummy.)

Media observers said limited representation on-screen reverberates throughout society.

"From the viewpoint of individuals who are Asian Americans, (the low representation) says, 'I don't matter -- I don't see people who look like me, my culture, my community,"' said Cristina Pieraccini, a professor of communications at the State University of New York at Oswego. (i don't have to look on tv to see asians. we are EVERYWHERE. just turn your head a few degrees.)

Earlier this year, she and co-author Douglass L. Alligood released a book, "Color Television: Fifty Years of African American and Latino Images on Prime Time." They had hoped to expand the analysis, but, she said, "There wasn't enough representation for us to study Asians." (haha what about "All-American Girl"? yea, i wouldn't consider that either.)

The study also criticized the WB for setting "Charmed" in San Francisco, a city that is one-third Asian American, but including no Asian actors. (that's because they're all in Chinatown.)

Network spokeswoman Pamela Morrison responded: "It's a sci-fi fantasy show, so you can't point to it as a reflection of the real world. ... They don't have a regular Asian American character, but there are guests characters."

NBC was found to be the most inclusive, with 5.7 percent of regular characters on shows such as "ER" and the now-canceled "Hawaii" featuring Asian actors. And the study's authors particularly lauded ABC's "Lost," which has a South Asian character and a Korean married couple who speak Korean on-screen -- with English subtitles, something almost never seen on prime-time shows.

Usually, when Asians are depicted, the study showed, they are placed into roles that reinforce stereotypes, particularly that of Asians as the hyper-intelligent model minority. (well, we are. ;) i have no problem with this stereotype.) Though Census 2000 showed that half of Asian adults don't have college degrees, of the prime-time Asian characters whose jobs were identified, 100 percent worked in areas that highlighted their intelligence or required advanced degrees, often in the sciences. (we don't need fancy degrees to know we're super smart. :D)

"There is no understanding that Asians have the same hopes and dreams and struggles -- that they love their families and have to deal with crazy bosses and co-workers," Narasaki said. "I often tell the networks, I know lots of Asian families that are dysfunctional. They would be funny on a sitcom." (asians usually are the crazy bosses and co-workers. and ALL asian families are dysfunctional.)

you know, if we can't make fun of ourselves and embrace the stereotypes (none of which are particularly negative or degrading), we will always be bitter.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005


a heart for every beautiful month we've had...

to many more months...

i love you.