Merry fucking Christmas. I mean that in the nicest way possible.
(1) If you are not funny, and you think you are, and people don't laugh at your jokes, stop trying to be funny. It's not funny. Really.
(2) Update your Facebook status at most once a day, please. More than one means you're not being a productive member of neither society nor your company. And you're cluttering my news feed with your inane chatter about absolutely nothing that I would care about.
(3) Do not call to berate me about your child's failing grade. It is not my responsibility to see that your child passes. It is my obligation to teach your child to hold himself accountable, take responsibility for his actions, and accept the consequences of his actions. Please consider your child a reflection of you, and remember that I am judging you.
(4) Can someone please do something about that fucking pothole on 7? I hit it every day! I'm going to lose a tire one of these days.
(5) Let's all agree that there comes a point in life when we all need to take stock of our lives and fucking grow up. You know who you are. Also, growing up, in some cases, means you refrain from having children; the thought of you spreading your seed makes me throw up in my mouth a little. I don't want to see mini-versions of you continuing your stupid, immature ways.
Okay, I think five is good. Start small.