Wednesday, July 05, 2006

why was it so easy for you to say no?

your explanation was weak...

and it hurt.

i had picked up the phone and dialed your number, believing there was no other possible answer than yes. "yes!" "of course!" "absolutely!"

but you said, "i'd be honored, but we haven't talked in two years." a big fat no.

i had to hold back the tears because i had been let down. no, pushed down. kicked. i wanted to ask you why because, to me, two years of silence from you could be overlooked when weighed against the other fifteen friendly ones we had. the birthdays. the stolen spoons. the bowling ball theft. the late-night study groups. the stupid drama of camp. the calculus.

was it good for you?

i called on your birthday. i drove to see you once a month.

you sent me a birthday card once, but it was so forced i didn't keep it. you came to see me once because i called to tell you how much i hated being the one to keep the friendship alive. you stayed for an hour. even so, i still thought of you as a friend. i visited you in the summer when you were 45 minutes away. i helped you babysit because i thought it would be fun. i had fun, didn't you?

i've called and left messages before, but i never heard from you. should i have taken that as a hint?

perhaps this relationship was doomed from the start. i always felt i had to do more, be more, so i wouldn't feel lonely ever again. perhaps i thought we were more than we really were.

have we spiraled into nothing but acquaintances?

is this goodbye?

would it be vindictive of me not to invite you to my wedding now?

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