Friday, June 03, 2005

i can't sleep

i've worn myself out tonight... but sleep eludes me. my head, my heart - swimming with emotions i can't control. i have to be up in five and a half hours...

tom's car was in the driveway when i pulled in. i knew he had come to pick up more of his things - clothes, some shoes, little things from his room. as i walked to the front door, the only thing i could think to say was, "did you get your mail?"

it couldn't have been more than two minutes after that that i looked out the window and he was gone. it's been a month since i've seen him, and those trifling words about mail were all i could utter?

it triggered something inside - deep inside - and i cried as soon as i got to my room. that was 7:45. i've been crying since. there's just so much i think and feel about him that goes unsaid. i don't know what to do with it all except keep it stuffed into some hole in my heart.

how could i have failed him so terribly?
why did i fail him?

i think about him every day. it's hard not to. he's a part of me that picked up and left without a word. never called on graduation day. didn't even say bye today. it's depressing. he's been on my mind a lot lately, and it's like everything i do, everywhere i go, everyone i see reminds me of him.

it hurts.

the other night, ryan and i were talking about kids... names, how many. he said he only wanted two because that was a good number for him. i want more, but he said four was too many. one of the reasons he gave for wanting just two was he only had one sibling and it worked out nicely. i countered that it doesn't always work out - like tom and i.

at that point, i couldn't think of any way to describe to him how empty i've felt because i didn't really have a brother. how do you explain that to someone who has a good relationship with his sister? i probably would have started crying if i hadn't stopped myself. how did my life turn out this way? why do i still feel so alone?

because my true other half is missing...

i remember the first time i truly felt like i had failed him. and i remember what i said to him. why hadn't i been more understanding?

i am hurting.
and i can't make it stop.

does he hate me?
is he angry?

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