understanding

(it's when i get ready to write about things like *this* that i pray pray PRAY that no student i've ever taught will find this. pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease may they never come across this blog.)

it's always a bit surprising when these things creep up on me. things... realizations? affirmations? those words sound too positive.

i was talking to ryan about the movie "the girl next door." i watched it this morning as soon as i got up. (i don't know why - it was on the table so i popped it in.) when i emailed ryan, i told him i had seen it (boobies and all). i suggested he watch it when i talked to him a little while ago. as soon as i said that, i suddenly felt self-conscious. i told him he would have to watch it on his own because i'd feel uncomfortable. he said he understood and that was fine.

despite how comfortable i may seem with him (in terms of taking my clothes off or letting him take my clothes off), i still get scared. it's still hard to imagine why he would want me naked. i've been so indoctrinated by the media to believe i'm undesirable (which i do). yet he says otherwise. i'm still not used to hearing him say things about my body. secretly i'm flattered, but at the same time, i don't want to start believing it's okay to be fat and convince myself it's acceptable. then again, i know i'll never be a size 2 with perfectly perky boobs, but it's something i dream of. maybe it's wrong to dream of looking that way, but how do you escape that kind of thought when it surrounds you? i don't want to become complacent about it.

in a week, i'm going to risk everything and put my self-esteem on the line. it makes me nervous just to think about it, but i know i need to do this. about three weeks ago, i went out and bought two babydoll sets - for ryan for valentine's. at the time, i thought, "what the hell am i doing?" okay, so maybe i'm still thinking that. i did a lot of thinking afterwards - most people would do that prior to actually initiating such plans - and this is something i need to do. for ryan, because i know he wants it even if he says i don't have to do it. there have been so many times i've felt like he's denied himself so much by being with me. for me, because i have to keep facing my fears if i want to be stronger.

i've never been so scared about anything in my life. i worry about what ryan will think, regardless of his reassurance. it's possible i'll just break down in tears from being so scared, but even getting to that point will feel like a step forward.

then there is my fear that i'll actually enjoy it. unleash the dormant sexpot LOL. no, i don't think that persona exists anywhere underneath the surface. that's always something that just sits at the back of my mind - the question of whether or not i'll discover i enjoy sex.

***

ryan asked me why i watch dawson's creek in the mornings. joey said something the other day that stuck in my mind. she was talking to a teenaged boy that reminded her of pacey. she said, "never give up the chase." that's what it's all about - the chase. it's what i want. to know i'm worthy of the pursuit. i could steal matthew's speech about moral fiber from "the girl next door" (ugh, will i be referencing that movie ad nauseum?), but i'll just stick to one part - "to know the juice was worth the squeeze."