Tuesday, January 25, 2005

it's hard to describe how i feel right now.
relieved? a little.

i feel better though. i think we both came to realize that there's a lot we still don't know about each other, and we can't continue hiding in our respective corners and blaming it on our past lives. i've always felt an urgency to change myself because i hate what i see when i look back. i think ryan's just come to feel that, too.

he said he couldn't figure out why he wasn't as introspective as he should be, but i think that's one of the most endearing things about him. i'm not trying to glorify myself as the charity case of the month, but introspection is inevitable when the outside world bombards you with reasons to hate it. i've always been forced to be the grown-up in so many situations, and my childhood was lost to a mother that needed to live vicariously through me. i still deal with the effects of that, as i stand at a crossroad and wonder where i should be heading next. i was a sad child, and i'll always be that sad child. and it's through introspection (and grief) that i heal old wounds. ryan was relatively happy. sadness was pretty rare, as it still is. and it's not that he doesn't have anything to reflect on. it just doesn't involve all the complex psychoanalysis that i put myself through. that's part of his innocence--he hasn't had to drag himself through endless days, wondering when the pain will stop. he's been untouched by the worst of life's nasty ways.

and it helps me heal...

there's no one i love more in this world, and no one i'd rather love.

"the greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return."

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