Monday, January 24, 2005

i got to thinking tonight--and you know that never leads to anything good. well, i guess it's just a way for me to work things out without really having to... work things out. o_O

i guess it started last night. he snapped at me in the car because i wasn't being clear and timely with my directions (i admit to that), and i had to stop myself from snapping back. it was in that moment that i realized how rare it was for him to just say what he thinks or feels.

then while i was laying in bed, i was having an imaginary conversation with ryan, and it suddenly struck me as odd. well, not the part where i was having an imaginary conversation, but that i was talking to my pillow instead of ryan. (i know that might be confusing, but it's what i do at night because i can never fall asleep.) i've been mulling over it all day, and i don't really know what the solution is.

lately i've felt like i'm desperately trying to engage him. i know he has a life outside of our relationship, as do i. it's not important that he be completely absorbed in MY LIFE, but it is important to know that he wants to know me better. maybe it's just my own interest in people that drives my curiosity, but i want to know everything there is to know about him. i assume he wants the same from me, but i just don't get that impression.

he doesn't ask me anything. i think that's what bothers me the most. i try to lead him to ask me something--anything, really--but he always just kind of... stops. he does this thing where, if i ask a question or try to get a discussion going, he'll sum up everything in a few sentences and drop the subject. it's more of an answer than a conversation, and it leaves me feeling like i've interrogated him. that leaves us with long gaps of silence, and my attention quickly wanders.

about two weeks ago, we had a discussion about oral sex because... well, it just needed to be addressed. i was conflicted about it and wasn't sure what to think or feel about the issue. it's just not really something i want to do, but everything i was reading online was telling me to get over whatever qualms i had about oral sex and just do it. i brought it up with ryan, and i asked him how he felt about it to try and figure it out, but it was more of a question-answer session. i had questions; he had answers. he didn't really ask me anything. other than the fact that he thinks about it and wouldn't mind it, i really don't know how he feels about it. to be honest, i didn't walk away from it feeling any less conflicted. if anything, i had more concerns and questions.

everything he knows about me i've volunteered. tonight, i just wanted to say, "ask me something, anything, just talk to me." i try to get him to talk, but he just doesn't. i want him to talk not only with me, but also with my parents. he blames his shyness for that, but you get to a point where you can't use that excuse anymore. a couple months ago, my parents told me that then think ryan is a nice guy, but they worry about never being able to communicate with him. my dad tries sometimes, but he can only go so far unless ryan is willing to take up the other end. i think it would thrill my parents if he even attempted small talk with them. it wouldn't hurt to ask my dad how the addition is coming along, or my mom how the golf is going. i don't want to have to prompt him; i want him to take the initiative.

i want to know how he feels and what he thinks without having constantly to prompt him. sometimes it feels like he's holding back and waiting for me to say it's okay to say something.

i know he'll read this sometime during the day, and when i come home from work, we'll have a serious discussion. i'm not going to be presumptuous and say i know how it'll go. i'm crossing my fingers and hoping it'll be... better.

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